


our coming of age has come and gone

by peytonn



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Angst, Multi, Older Man/Younger Woman, Slow Burn, age gap
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:47:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27179440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peytonn/pseuds/peytonn
Summary: Jackson was your home. It had been for the last two years. The only issue you had with it was one person.Joel Miller.Avoiding Joel for two years due to your unending attraction to him takes a turn on its heels as you no longer have the option to ignore it.-WARNING: This fic holds an INCREDIBLY LARGE age gap between the reader and Joel. Reader is 20-23 during the events of the story and Joel is mid 50s, as he is in The Last of Us Part II. If this makes you uncomfortable, please do not read.All in all, this is a fix-it fic of sorts. Ellie isn't mad at Joel, Abby doesn't come to avenge her dad, no one is dead or will die.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us), Joel (The Last of Us)/Reader
Comments: 165
Kudos: 293





	1. thanks, miller

Jackson was your home. It hadn’t always been, but it was now the only place you ever wanted to attribute the thought of a home to. You’d been living there for two years now, landing up outside Jackson’s gates when you were eighteen. Battered, bruised, tear-stricken and hardly standing up on your two legs, Tommy and Maria were kind enough to let you in without much deliberation. The people there were _kind_ and Jackson was like an oasis in the middle of the stifling desert that your life had been before entering the town. You didn’t talk about your past much.

Being introduced to everyone in Jackson was overwhelming when you first arrived, but Ellie, Jesse, Dina, and Cat had done their best to make you feel welcomed as you were all close to the same age, yourself being only two and a half years older than Ellie. Dina was a forceful energy in your life that you needed during the tough time that you went through after arriving. Ellie was quieter, but in her you found yourself settled and comfortable. Jesse and Cat were two amazing friends that you could never see not being in your life. 

You had been settled into a little shed of your own that was like Ellie’s, more of a miniature space that was more than you found yourself needing. It was near the greenhouses, stationed next to a few of the same where those who lived on their own stayed as well. All in all, you’d been given a new chance at life that you weren’t taking for granted and promised yourself you never would.

There was only one issue you had in all of Jackson, and it was a person.

Joel _fucking_ Miller.

You knew as much of him as Ellie and Jesse would tell you, but from your first month in Jackson onwards, you were allured to the enigma of a man he seemed to be. There was something about the way he held himself, the pure strength and the life that laid behind his eyes enticing you in a way no one else ever had. The guilt among your shoulders seemed to be as strong as Joel looked, as you found yourself often feeling horrid for looking up to what was essentially your friend’s father in a way which you were sure Ellie would want to skin you alive for. Because of this, you had distanced yourself from Joel, running patrols with almost anyone other than him, hardly meeting his eye in any situation, speaking to him extremely respectfully any time you had to encounter him. Yet this didn’t stop you from watching him from afar, listening perhaps a little too intently when Ellie and Jesse talked about him, especially when Ellie spoke of her time travelling with him when she was younger. What floated through your head whenever you saw Joel was the fact that the age gap between you two was nowhere near normal. There were probably hundreds of reasons why you shouldn’t want Joel. 

And yet you still did.

Despite keeping yourself far from Joel, you were closer with Tommy, for the obvious reason of him and Maria being the first people to see you at your worst and bring you in to Jackson. Tommy had brought up Joel several times to you, even directly asking once why you weren’t going on patrols with Joel. You had already come up with an excuse in your mind, so the lie was easy coming off your tongue. You said you were intimidated by him, you didn’t think that you were good enough with a gun to keep pace with Joel. Brushing it off was easy, but you had to hope that Tommy couldn’t see through you. 

And so after two years of living in Jackson and lying about your reasons for avoiding Joel Miller, here you were, standing on his door step, heart beating through your chest.

It really wasn’t a big deal, no huge reason behind your being on his doorstep. It was dinner. You were invited to dinner at Joel’s house. It also wasn’t like you’d never been invited before, (though all of the times were by Ellie and not directly Joel himself) in fact, you’d turned it down a few times already. Almost all of your reasons were legitimate, although the reason why you were finally going _this_ time was because Ellie had knocked on the door of your shed-house with the force of a woman who meant business. You had answered and were face-to-face with a determined looking Ellie.

“You’re coming over to Joel’s for dinner tonight. Jesse, Tommy, and Maria are coming too, and before you make any excuses I’ve already checked with the greenhouses and Tommy to make sure you’re not up for duty _anywhere_. Be there at six. Or else.” Considering Ellie didn’t ask much of you, you didn’t have the heart to say no. Or more so there was no possible out to the proposition (if it could be called that).

Ellie had only left you alone when you promised you’d be there, telling her that if you didn’t show you’d take her dawn patrol shifts for as long as she wanted. Yes, you were determined to keep your feelings for Joel as far away from him as possible, but you also _really_ didn’t want any more hours of the dawn patrol. Who could blame you, really?

You spent a whole hour in your shed before six deliberating what to wear. You figured it would give everyone the wrong impression if you showed up looking… Better than usual. But you also couldn’t completely help yourself so you wore your jeans without tears in them and added a little jewelry to your ears. Before you left, you looked around for something to bring as a small gift. It’d be rude to show up empty handed, this was the apocalypse after all! You ended up deciding to bring some freshly picked tomatoes you had gotten the same day from the greenhouses.

After sniffing yourself once, then twice, then three times just to check that you didn’t smell (More people did than didn’t… As you always told yourself, it’s the apocalypse! Things are hard!) you set off in the slightly chilly fall weather to Joel’s.

Feet up the steps, and with a small box of tomatoes in hand, you knocked with the other. Gosh, why were you so nervous? You thought about Ellie and Jesse being inside which calmed the butterflies in your stomach slightly. The porch light was on and casted a warm glow at the front door, wind chimes hanging above tinkling quietly in the slight breeze.

The door opened and you were face to face with Joel. “You’re here! Good to see you, Y/N. Come on in.” He spoke kindly, small smile visible through his beard.

He was dressed in a green button-down with jeans, his hair long and greying but this confirming yet again what you thought of him. There was no denying your attraction to him. You snapped yourself into action quickly as you stepped inside.

“Thanks for having me. I brought you some tomatoes from the greenhouses. Freshly picked today.” You handed the box to him with a smile on your face, internally cursing at how awkward you felt.

“Oh, thank you. Been meanin’ to head down to the greenhouses for a couple days now.” Joel glanced to his left as Ellie came out of the living room.

“Guess I’m still stuck with dawn patrol.” She remarked, a teasing grin on her face.

Joel raised an eyebrow at her. To your relief, you heard footsteps coming up the porch behind you and you moved to the side to make space for whomever had arrived. 

“Party’s started without me?” It was Jesse, grinning at his own joke.

“Actually, it just ended now that you got here.” Ellie rolled her eyes.

You chuckled, shaking your head at the pair amusedly. You turned to Joel, politely asking him if he needed help with anything. 

“Other than keepin’ those two from biting each other’s heads off, no. Go sit down, all of you. Tommy’ll be here soon.” Joel shooed all of you off to the dining room.

You sat next to Jesse and across from Ellie, nervously pressing your lips together, trying to calm your nerves. “What’s up with you?” Jesse asked curiously, lowering his head to meet your eyes which were glued to your lap.

“Ah, it’s nothing. I’m dying to eat!” You lifted your head and smiled.

“We’ll see what Joel put together today. Y’know, I never thought of him as the cooking type until we moved to Jackson.” Ellie smiled fondly, her eyes shining brightly as she reminisced on past memories she held with Joel. “When we first came here I used to stuff food in my pockets as if it was gonna run out later.”

“Look at us now. Jackson’s given us so much.” Jesse remarked.

“No need to thank me or anything!” You and Jesse turned around as someone approached.

Tommy and Maria entered the dining room, a cheeky grin plastered across Tommy’s bearded face. 

“We do owe all of this to you two.” You added, feeling more at ease with the entrance of two more people you were close with. 

Maria sat next to Ellie, and Tommy took one end of the table closest to you and Ellie. The feeling of the room was comfortable and homey, the smell of cooking in the air and the fireplace across from the table crackling. You felt at this moment like you’d been missing out. Which you definitely had. The family dynamic seemed to suddenly punch you right in the gut and you felt a pain of remorse for your past.

Joel soon came to the table with dinner, slight chatter evident as everyone dug into their meals. You were feeling alright about the dinner, small talk easy between everybody. It was’t until everyone had almost finished that Tommy decided to bring up what you were hoping would stay unspoken.

“Jesse, you’re patrolling with Dina tomorrow?” Tommy put his fork and knife down, quizzically glancing to you then back to Jesse.

“Uh, yeah. Why?” The younger man replied.

“So you’re not on patrol duty tomorrow, Y/N?” Tommy had the look in his eye of a man who was up to something.

“No…?” You tried to tell him with your eyes to _please_ stop.

“Well, that’s perfect then! Maria and I got some business to attend to tomorrow, so would ya mind patrolling with my dear old brother?” He inquired, raising an eyebrow.

“What a gentleman, handing his work off to Y/N.” Jesse chortled, getting a look from Maria.

“It’d really be appreciated, Y/N.” Maria spoke up, giving you a smile.

Joel scratched the back of his head. “Y’know, I think you’re the only person who I ain’t gone on patrol with.”

You screamed internally. “I think you’re right.”

“Great. You two’ll head off early tomorrow.” Tommy returned to his food but not without a smile directed towards you.

The rest of dinner continued on without any issues, except for your Ignoring Joel Plan being tossed out the window in a matter of seconds and not by your own accord. Everyone decided to call it an early evening for both you and Joel as you had to head out at dawn. (Right when you thought you’d dodged any extra dawn patrol shifts.) You left Joel’s house after thanking him and promising to be up on time in the morning.

Ellie and Jesse bid you a good night as the whole group headed off in their separate directions. But you wanted to snag Tommy to ask him about ditching his patrol duty on you. 

“Sorry Maria, can I talk to Tommy for a second?” You asked after walking quickly to catch up with them.

“Of course!” She directed her attention to Tommy. “I’ll meet you back at home, yeah?”

Tommy nodded and turned to you once Maria was out of earshot. “I think I already know what this is about.”

“Why’d you throw me under the bus like that?” You crossed your arms, finally glaring at Tommy like you wished you could at dinner.

“What? Under the it’s time to stop ignoring Joel bus?” He laughed, clearly finding it amusing.

“I’ve told you a thousand times why I don’t want to patrol with him!” You meant to sound reasonable but your sentence came out more like a whine than anything.

This only served to make Tommy laugh harder. “Okay, I’m sorry I’m being an asshole but you ain’t a kid no more. It’s time for you to get to know the guy, for the love of everything! The longer you avoid him the more awkward you’ll make it. ‘Specially for Ellie.” He explained, getting a hold of himself.

You sighed. He was right. But you were scared you wouldn’t be able to control your feelings around Joel. But of course you couldn’t tell Tommy that. “I get it. You’re right.”

“Aha! You see, I know a thing or two.” Tommy gave you a friendly pat on the back. “You’ll do fine with him. Now go to bed. You’ve gotta be up early.”

“Have a good night.” You smiled, trudging off towards your house. You had a feeling you were in for an eventful morning.


	2. warming up on cold day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: This chapter contains a short section of graphic violence against infected.

Your old alarm clock woke you up with a shock, the ringing unpleasant to your head and your heart racing first thing in the morning. _A great start._ You internally grumbled. You got out of bed and peeked out of your blinds to see what the weather looked like outside. A light snowfall was gently coming down and you sighed. You were hoping for more fall weather before the snow started. Getting changed quickly, you were out the door with your backpack and winter jacket on in just a few minutes.

Walking to the barns was peaceful this early in the morning, the darkness seeping away into the first light of morning. Grateful for the moment because of your anxious start to the morning, you calmed yourself and breathed deeply as you walked, breath visible in the cold. You made it to the barns quicker than you would’ve liked, entering the open doors and hearing the whinnying of all the horses at your entrance. The light was dim but comforting inside the stables and you felt the crunching of strewn hay on the floor as you walked up to your horse’s stable.

Your horse was a chestnut brown Morgan, social and gentle no matter who rode him. His name was Murphy and you called him _your_ horse, but he was really a communal horse for those who had patrol duty. But he did take a liking to you specially. You led him out of his stall and one of the early shift barn workers helped you saddle him up to head out. 

All ready to go, you led Murphy out and headed to Jackson’s checkpoint gate. There were a few people milling about to head down different routes to you and Joel’s, but it seemed you had beat Joel there. You shivered slightly as the wind picked up, the air becoming colder. As the snow came down harder. You hoped both would let up.

You were busy petting Murphy when someone’s deep voice startled you. “Mornin’. Y’ready to head out?” It was Joel.

You turned to your right to look at the him. He was clothed in a brown jacket that you’d seen him wear many times before, snowflakes sticking to his shoulders and hair. He had his horse with him too, of course.

“Oh!” You squeaked upon seeing him. “Good morning! I’m ready.” The beating of your heart that you felt when you woke up was back.

A hint of a smile played on his lips and he nodded for you to follow him. “Let’s get going.”

Joel was handed a shotgun at the gate, you getting a rifle. You both mounted your horses, two men opening up the main gates wide to the outside. The mountains towered before you in the distance, the picture always beautiful to you. “You’re clear to go!” One of them called out, Joel sparing a glance to you at his left before kicking his horse into a gallop.

You were quick to follow, going fast enough for the snow to hit you in the face uncomfortably. You grimaced. Winter was pretty, but being in its elements was never enjoyable. Once you had made it through the first few trees and up the ridge that allowed you to spot the first lookout, Joel slowed down.

“This snow is awful.” You commented, slowing up to trail just behind Joel to his left. You thought some talking would be better than silence. As much as you wanted the patrol to go quickly, you couldn’t help but to have the urge to make your time with Joel worthwhile. After all, you were planning to go straight back to what you always did before. That was to ignore the man.

“It’s fallin’ early this year. Don’t think it’s gonna lay off for us either. C’mon, let’s sign in.” Joel commented, pulling his horse up outside the first lookout. It was a small radio tower, fenced in but away from the houses of the closest old town.

You dismounted as well, giving Murphy a pat before following Joel. A section of the fence was broken, used to get into the radio tower. Joel crouched under it, you right behind him. Entering the building, you closed the door behind you and brushed some of the snow off your shoulders.

As Joel signed the ledger you peered out the window, outside brighter than before but no hint of blue in sight as clouds covered all of the sky. “D’you have trouble with infected on this route often?” You asked Joel, wanting to get back before the snow got worse.

“Depends. You ain’t run this route much?” Joel finished scribbling your names and turned to you.

“Um, no.” You looked back out the window. “I do the creek trails a lot.”

Joel hummed in understanding. “Let’s keep at it.”

The next lookout was through the nearest neighbourhood up to a large cabin that sat above the abandoned town. Once again you were following Joel. You did know the route, but you figured it’d still be best for him to take the lead since he’d done it so many times. Not to mention how much more experience he had from his years of surviving. There wasn’t a lot of Joel’s past that you knew about, other than the fact that he survived outbreak day and eventually wound up living in a quarantine zone. Ellie had been the one to tell you the basics, but neither her nor Tommy spoke about much else.

The farther the pair of you went, the more snow was on the ground. Hooves went from grass to trodding through the powder on the ground. Your pace was steady but it seemed your luck ran out as both Joel’s horse and yours stopped in their tracks and whinnied as you came close by one of the houses.

“Shit.” Joel cursed, both of you pulling at the reins and calming your horses. “Looks like we’re headin’ in.”

“We can get in through the garage.” You pointed at the garage door of the house, half-opened.

You both dismounted at the same time, entering the garage. The wind quieted as you ducked in, but the tension in your body tightened as you heard the familiar groans of infected from deeper inside. 

“Keep it quiet.” Joel whispered, motioning for you to crouch down.

You nodded. “Right behind you.”

Joel crept forward through the doorway that led to the rest of the house. He signalled to you that there were two and made space for you to slip by on his left. Perfectly in tune with each other, you both made your way up to the two runners on opposite sides of the house. You always kept a pocketknife on you, reaching into your coat pocket and flipping the blade out. As quick as can be, you slit the runner’s throat, a gurgle coming from it before it crumpled to the floor. 

You stood up, wiping your knife on your pants and pocketing it again. You pulled your rifle out from your bag, loading and cocking it, a shell falling to the carpeted floor. You headed past Joel and up the stairs of the house, hearing faint thumps from above. The stairs opened up to a large living area, and with a quick look you could see at least five infected stumbling around. You ducked low immediately, Joel behind you following suit.

“At least five or six up there. I can lure them outside.” You whispered your best plan, taking the fight out of close quarters would make it easier to take them out.

Joel opened his mouth as if to question you but instead said, “Alright.” You watched him push a dresser out of the way of the front door as quietly as possible and slip out with the door open.

You crept up to the top stair and aimed your rifle at one of the clickers. Might as well take one out easily while you could. You took a deep breath in and held it, lining up your shot. A loud crack resounded when you pressed the trigger, nailing the clicker in the head perfectly. You scrambled up and ran down the stairs, jumping four and heading out the door. Synchronized, in tune with one another, Joel stepped in front of you, blasting two infected with one shotgun shell.

You ran slightly farther back, pulling the bolt on your rifle and killing another. The last one came close to Joel while he reloaded, landing a harsh scratch across his face. You were quick enough to bring it down before Joel even had time to react. Its blood splattered on his jacket and the ground.

“Shit.” Joel brought a hand to the scratch on his face, now bleeding. “Can’t believe I let it do that.” He toed the dead infected on the ground.

“I could’ve been faster.” You paused a moment. “Sounds like that’s all of them. Any more would’ve made it here by now.”

“Yeah. Snow’s gettin’ worse, though. We gotta get to the next lookout.” Joel whistled and your horses came running. 

With all the adrenaline you hardly noticed the sharp sting of the wind on the back of your neck. It was getting harder to see, and the lower the visibility, the more dangerous it was to be out. You and Joel were quick to head off again, staying right on Joel’s tail in fear of getting separated. 

After what felt like far too long, you spotted the cabin ahead. It’s large glass windows usually served a view of the abandoned town and even Jackson just farther. But in the storm you knew all you would see was white. Finally you two were off your horses once more, pulling them into the shed just outside the cabin. You shielded your face from the bitter cold as you walked up the steps to the doors of the cabin. Joel pulled the main door open with a grunt, the cold having frozen the hinges. 

He allowed you in first and you stepped in shaking the snow from your hair. Joel closed the door firmly behind himself. “I’ve never been more grateful for this route than I am now.” You commented, walking up to the large fireplace and seeing wood, paper, and a lighter next to it.

“It has its perks.” Joel lightly chuckled, pulling off his gloves and sitting down in a wooden chair with a groan as he watched you start the fire.

“Aha! There we go.” You said after blowing on the fire, it igniting with a warm glow of flames.

You stood up and peered out the window as you’d done at the other lookout, trying to avoid looking at Joel too much. “How long until this passes, d’you think?” You asked.

“A couple hours at most, I’d imagine.” He crossed his arms and leaned back in the chair, eyes closing.

You looked away from the window to him. “Oh!” You said aloud.

He blinked his eyes open. “What?” 

“Your face!” You exclaimed.

The look on his face was not short of confusion.

“I mean, from where that runner hit you. Are there medical supplies here?” You flushed under his gaze.

“I’m fine, don’t worry yourself about it.” Joel brushed you off, but not without a lingering look at you. His eyes seemed to assess you.

“I’m gonna go look for some.” You were determined to do a kindness for him. After all, you felt like you could’ve done better back with the infected.

He didn’t say anything else to stop you. He knew how to tell when someone wouldn’t take no for an answer. You headed up the large staircase of the cabin, trying to remember if you’d seen medical supplies up there last time you had patrolled this route. Luckily for you, the first room you stuck your head in had a bedroll, and alongside it everything you needed to clean a simple wound. It wasn’t until you were gathering up the supplies in your arms that you _really_ realized what you offered to do for Joel. This wasn’t avoiding him whatsoever. In fact, this was going to be the closest contact you’d ever had with him. You cursed under your breath, but remembered what Tommy had told you the night before. This could easily be your chance to form a friendly relationship with Joel and nothing more, for Ellie’s sake if not your own.

You were certain in your mind that Joel would never see you the way you saw him. So you tried to calm your beating heart and walked back down the stairs. You’d offer the same help to anyone you patrolled with. This didn’t have to be any different.

Joel was still in the same position as before, but looked up as you walked towards him and set the supplies on the bar counter behind his chair. “You ain’t gonna let me say no, I take it?”

You shook your head. “I wouldn’t let Ellie or Tommy say no, so I’m definitely not letting you.”

That made him smile a bit, you looking away to wet a rag to wipe the blood from around the cut on his cheek. “It’ll be cold, sorry.” You willed your hands not to shake as you focused on the scrape rather than his immersive eyes.

The tension in the air was palpable, the snapping of the fire and the muffled wind from outside the only things audible over both your breathing. You couldn’t take the silence. 

“This scar on your nose. Do you remember how you got it?” You asked, begging internally for conversation as you took another rag and poured alcohol on it.

Joel huffed out a weird breath. “No. Been way too long and fought too much to remember.”

You hummed in acknowledgment. “This is gonna sting a little.” You said, bringing the alcohol covered rag to his cheek. You could practically feel the coarseness of his beard under the bottom of your hand which brushed it.

The man didn’t even flinch. “Y’know, I don’t think anyone’s ever asked me that question.” You could practically feel his eyes on your face.

“O-Oh. Well, being this close, I just noticed. Was curious.” You stumbled over your words slightly.

He didn’t say anything else while you finished cleaning his wound. You left the rags to soak in a bucket with water and went to check on the fire, throwing a couple more logs on.

“Might as well make yourself comfortable. We’ll be here a while.” Joel spoke up, watching you jump slightly when he did.

You were really debating on walking out the door and into the snow at this point. Luckily, you spotted something sitting on one of the sofas. It was a Savage Starlight comic. You picked it up, smiling slightly and thinking of Ellie and her obsession with it.

“You read those too?” Joel inquired, sitting up in his chair.

“Oh, no. Not really my thing. I’d bring it back for Ellie, but knowing her she’s probably read this one already.” You flipped through a couple of the pages.

This made Joel laugh. “That she has.” He paused slightly as if not quite sure he should say what he was thinking. “She uh, started liking ‘em when I met her. Started quotin’ it and everything.”

“She still does sometimes. Annoys Jesse with it.” You looked from the comic up to Joel who wasn’t looking at you, but away. You could tell he was thinking about Ellie. She had the same look on her face when she thought of Joel too. 

You missed that kind of love. You didn’t want to think of your past now. Everything was better now, you reminded yourself.

You sat on the floor in front of the fire, watching the flames dance among one another. There were few things you found as peaceful as a nice crackling fire.

“I got a question for you.” Joel cleared his throat.

Your heart dropped into your stomach. _Please don’t ask why we’ve never been on patrol together_.

“I know it ain’t really my place to snoop, but… I been wondering ‘bout Ellie and Jesse.” The older man looked slightly guilty as he asked you.

This question relieved you beyond belief. It was as equally relieving as it was hilarious to you, but you held in your laughs for Ellie’s sake. You knew she hadn’t come out to Joel yet. “Those two? No _way_! You don’t have to worry about that at all. Dina and Jesse are a thing right now anyways.”

“Oh, I thought-“ Joel started.

“You don’t need to explain. I understand. And I won’t say anything to Ellie.” You cut him off, giggling quietly at him. “You can rest, if you want. I’ll watch the fire.” You then offered, amused grin still on your face.

He let out a sigh, feigning annoyance. You opened the comic book back up in front of you, starting to read it in order to pass the time. The next time you looked up at Joel he was asleep (at least you assumed). You took this time to simply look at him. You didn’t have to be wary of watching eyes or even Joel himself seeing you. His chest softly rose and fell with every breath he took, and the usual stern look on his face disappeared into one without worries. You didn’t wish for a camera at this moment, but instead you firmly told yourself that you’d remember this. A picture of it in your mind.

Eventually you looked away. You were starting to think about Joel in… a _certain_ way. You added more wood to the fire and got up to search around the cabin for anything to do. Even one of Ellie’s comics were better than nothing. You were right on that account, the only thing you spotted was a stack on the comics.

Spending the next while reading comics, the next time you looked out the window you could finally see some clear sky peeking out between the grey clouds. From what you could see, the snow had slowed to a light fall. 

You stacked all the comics and put them back from where you found them, already feeling nervous at the thought of having to wake Joel up. When you came back to the main area you were grateful you didn’t have to, Joel by the door and ready to head back.

“We’d best get back quickly. Don’t wanna worry no one.” Joel opened the door for you again, and before you knew it you were both back on the horses and heading towards Jackson.

The ride back was quiet, and you were starting to feel kind of down now that you knew your time with Joel and only Joel was done. As much as you had been nervous, the inner you that held a massive crush on the man was squealing at how well it had went. But the other side of you was trying to draw a line that you shouldn’t cross with Joel.

It seemed he was the one to make the decision for you. “Would you want to do this route more often? Tommy could use a break these days, and it seems you’ve got experience with infected.” Joel spoke up, slowing down slightly so you were riding alongside one another.

You were genuinely surprised. Before you even had time to think, you accepted. “I’d like that.”

“Alright. I’ll let Tommy know. Maria’ll appreciate it too. You’re a big help around here.” Joel said, gaze straight ahead as you both rode up and across a ridge and back into the trees that brought you close to Jackson’s gates.

Knowing he wasn’t looking, you smiled and shook your head a little bit. You could only hope for the best to come out of your relationship with Joel. It had almost frighteningly solidified in a day. 

As the gates of Jackson opened for you two to return, Joel let you go ahead of him. This time you couldn’t tell that his eyes were on you. Or what thoughts laid behind them.

You reminded Joel of his past, in some breadth of the youthful strength that held you together. He really did wonder why he hadn’t seen much of you. Especially being so close to Ellie. He found himself strangely curious. It wasn’t often he cared too much about others, but since coming to Jackson that changed. 

Maybe you were pushed into his life for a reason.


	3. friends and carvings

You were in the clouds the following couple days after spending time with Joel. You didn’t have another patrol shift with him for a little while so you weren’t nervous about it, (at least not yet) so instead you found yourself smiling to yourself more often than not. You hadn’t seen Ellie since the patrol, both of you busy but you were both assigned to the greenhouses on the third day after your “business” excursion with Joel.

“Why does it seem like we’re always stuck with the tomatoes?” Ellie complained as you opened the greenhouse door and closed it firmly behind you. It wasn’t snowing today but had again the night before.

“Beats me. It’s easier than dealing with the lettuce, though.” You shrugged, pressing your hands over your cold ears.

“Here.” Ellie picked up the watering can and passed it to you. “I’ll prune, you water.”

“Yes ma’am. Right away ma’am.” You said with a straight face, Ellie rolling her eyes at you.

As you both started to work, Ellie brought up Joel. “So how did your patrol go with Joel? I heard you guys got back late.”

“The snow came down pretty hard when we were halfway through the route. Stayed in that big cabin for a while.” You explained, tipping the watering can carefully over one of the tomato plants.

“Run into any infected?” 

“A few, but we dealt with them pretty easily.” You decided to bypass Joel’s small injury. Many people came back with scratches and bruises. Your emotions from that moment were also very weirdly intimate. Best to say nothing.

“Was he bossing you around? First time I went on a patrol with him he was all up in arms about whatever I did.” Ellie chuckled, shaking her head while intently focusing on the tomatoes.

You laughed. “No, no. We were a team. He’s protective of you, that’s why.”

“Trust me, I know.” There was a bit of silence as you both performed your respective tasks until Ellie spoke up again. “He didn’t say anything… Weird, did he?”

“Uhh… Why?” You looked at Ellie’s concerned face. She tucked a piece of stray hair behind her ear. 

“Okay, well, Joel thinks there’s something between Jesse and I.” She looked at you with a grimace on your face, obviously expecting a big reaction from you.

“Oh!” You started to laugh and tried to stifle it.

“Stop laughing! I know it’s weird to think about.” She crossed her arms.

You spoke in-between your laughs. “I told him I wouldn’t tell you, but…”

“What? You _have_ to tell me what he said!” Ellie’s mouth dropped open, obviously now paying the tomatoes no attention.

“You can’t let him know you know this, okay?” 

“I won’t. Promise.” You could tell Ellie meant it.

“Basically, he asked in a roundabout sort of way if you and Jesse are a thing.” You said, pressing your lips together.

A sound of defeat came out of Ellie, some sort of mixture of a groan. “Oh my gosh. This guy.” She put her dirt covered hands in her face. “Why does he make this so hard for me?” Her voice came out muffled.

“If it makes you feel better, I laughed at him when he asked.” You grinned widely. “And I told him Dina and Jesse are interested in each other instead.”

Ellie let out a sigh and dropped her hands from her face. “Maybe I should tell him soon. Y’know, that Jesse _definitely_ isn’t my type.”

“If you feel it’s the right time. Don’t force yourself. I’m sure whenever you tell him it’ll be fine! He cares about you too much to ever judge you.” You empathetically said.

“I hope not, at least. We’ll see what happens.” Ellie sighed again. “Whatever. I don’t want to think about it right now.”

You hummed and both of you were both back at your tasks. “Well, to change the topic, is there any one you’re into these days?” You curiously asked, glancing up to watch Ellie’s reaction. You genuinely didn’t know if there was.

Your question seemed to catch her off guard. _Now_ you were _really_ interested. “Are you and Cat getting together again?”

“No! I mean, no. Not at all.” Ellie looked up at you. “Fuck. Am I being obvious?”

“Absolutely. Now who is it?” You pried, raising your eyebrows.

“This is between me and you only. It’s Dina.” Ellie confessed, turning a little pink.

You blinked once, then set the watering can on the ground. “Since _when_?” You burst out excitedly.

“I don’t know since when! It’s been a while now, I guess. But her and Jesse…” Ellie looked off sadly.

You came closer to Ellie and put a hand on her shoulder. “Okay. This might make me sound mean, but I legitimately can’t see those two staying together for long. They’ve been on again off again for months now. Don’t be too bummed out. Besides, remember that campfire we had in the summer? Where you played your guitar?”

Ellie nodded. 

“You two couldn’t keep your eyes off each other.” You smirked, giving her shoulder a small punch.

She gave you a harder one back. “Shut up!”

You backed up and put your hands up in defence. “Hey, I’m just stating the obvious here.”

“I’ll throw one of these tomatoes at you.” 

“I’d like to see you try.”

Both of you stared at each other before bursting into laughter. A sharp, sudden rap on the greenhouse door startled both of you. It was one of the overseers for the shift, alerting you to get back to work. You both started staring at the tomatoes once again.

“Oh, by the way, have you seen that huge collection of Savage Starlight comics at the cabin?” You remembered. 

“Huge collection?” Ellie sounded confused. “Last time I went there was only one- Joel is _totally_ finding and reading them there.”

“I thought they were yours! That’s so… Sweet.” You couldn’t find any other word to describe it and you felt the familiar butterflies flitting about your stomach when you thought about Joel.

Ellie studied your for a moment. “You know, when I mention Joel you usually get all weird. But now you’re getting all weird in a… Different way all smiley and- shit, I don’t know.”

Your stomach dropped. This was going to be a hard one to play off. “Huh? I’m just glad patrol went well.” You shrugged, studying nothing but the soil of the plants.

Ellie laughed. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you liked him or something.” She stuck her tongue out at you when you looked up.

You wiggled your eyebrows at her. “Wouldn’t you like to know.” 

She paused. “You’re joking, right?”

“What do you mean am I joking? Of course I am!” You indignantly said. Your heart was still pounding in your ears but you could tell your funny approach worked as Ellie rolled her eyes at you.

You finished up your tasks quickly, both you and Ellie excited to have the afternoon off. You were both making your way towards the pub for lunch when you were intercepted at the door by none other than Joel. Your eyes widened slightly in surprise.

“Perfect I caught y’all here. Would you mind helping me out with somethin’?” Joel moved out of the way of the door and closer to the barrel that had a fire going in it a few feet away.

“We were just about to eat.” Ellie pointed back at the doors of the pub. They had never been so inviting before.

“I’ll feed you when you’re done. Both of you.” Joel looked from Ellie to you when you elbowed her.

“Of course we’ll help!” You smiled, eyes looking widely up at Joel. He couldn’t tell it was from your nervousness. 

Ellie grumbled in agreement and you followed Joel, shoes crunching on the snow beneath your feet. It wasn’t as cold as earlier in the day and you were grateful for the sun and blue sky. Following Joel through the town centre you realized you were headed towards his house. Passing by many of the townspeople, they all said hello to Joel. He was definitely well liked within Jackson. He helped out with things as often as he could and had never caused any problems, at least as far as you knew. You could tell from the way he treated people that he was settled and at home in Jackson. The only thing that was telling of him being a survivor was the age behind his eyes. You always thought that it looked as if he lived many lifetimes before settling in Jackson.

When Joel’s house was finally in sight both you and Ellie looked at each other with a grimace. A substantial pile of firewood was sitting to the side of his porch steps. “We’ll be done quick with three of us. Just gotta stack it up out back.” Joel said without turning around. It was as if he could tell what you and Ellie were thinking.

“I swear he’s gotten _way_ too good at reading my mind.” Ellie commented.

“Not my fault you’re too predictable, kiddo.” Joel chuckled, shooting a comment right back at her.

“Okay, old man. Let’s get this done.” The younger replied as you all bent down to pick up a couple pieces of wood at a time.

Their banter put a smile on your face and you all got to work, Joel and Ellie having a conversation about some movie they watched the other week. Something about the sequel not being better than the original. You half tuned it out as you focused on both the task at hand and keeping your brain away from thinking about how good Joel looked. The latter was more difficult. Watching him work on something less adrenaline inducing than taking down infected really made it harder to forget about your attraction for a little while.

After what felt like a millennia you picked up the last two pieces of wood. You were about to take them to the back when Joel stopped you. “Actually could you come and bring those in? Just through the first door at the top of the stairs.”

“Finally carved through all the wood you got up there?” Ellie asked as you all walked up the porch steps, Joel opening the door for you two. You had no clue what she was talking about.

“Yup. Just finishin’ another piece. You mind starting the soup while I get a fire goin’?” Joel asked Ellie, the younger nodding.

You headed up the stairs, glancing at the paintings that were hung up on the walls going up the staircase. _Cowboys._ _Horses._ _More horses._ _More cowboys._ It was clear what he liked. It was incredibly endearing. On your left was a small table, a picture of Joel and Tommy framed. You stopped for a minute to look at it, shifting the wood to one arm and quietly picking it up from its place. It looked only a couple years old, Joel’s hair shorter, wearing his familiar brown coat while they were both posed by a fence. They both looked happy. You wouldn’t want that to change for the world. Placing the picture back down, you walked into the first room on your right, surprised at what you saw. The shelf immediately to your left housed absolutely _beautiful_ painted carvings.

A bear, deer, wolf, owl, and even a cute snout-nosed pig sat on the tall shelf. You turned to see the rest of the room and saw that this was Joel’s own personal workshop of sorts. You set down the wood on top of the large workbench to your right and found yourself drawn to what looked like his main spot to sit and carve. On the table sat what looked almost complete, a cowboy on top of a bucking horse. 

A pang of grief hit your heart and you sucked in a shaky breath. You picked up the carving and ran your hands on the whittled surface, one strong, significant memory rushing through your head. Your eyes closed. You were taken back to four years prior, a soft bubbling stream and the chirping of birds seeming just as close as the day you remembered. The sound of a knife whittling away echoed in your mind like a melancholic song. 

“Be with me.” You whispered quietly, running your fingers on the surface of the carving again before opening your eyes. The clearing of a throat ripped the moment away from you.

You turned around with the carving held tightly to your chest, only to find Joel leaning against the door frame, in all his green shirt glory.

“Sorry!” You squeaked, quickly setting the carving back down from where you found it.

“Don’t apologize. You can look at anything you like.” Joel chuckled, finding your surprise amusing. You didn’t know, but he had been standing there watching you quietly since you picked up the carving in the first place. “Any reason you like that one?” He said, motioning to the not yet completed cowboy and horse.

“Just-just reminded me of someone. That’s all.” You shrugged, nervously reaching up and scratching your neck.

He watched you squirm a moment more before nodding. He could tell when people didn’t want to be pried into talking. “C’mon, time to eat.”

The rest of your time at Joel’s was spent eating with the father-daughter pair and making light conversation. You still felt embarrassed at being caught looking so intently at Joel’s work, but nothing from him showed you had anything bad to feel about. You thanked him profusely for the food and bid your farewell to both him and Ellie, heading off to do your own thing for the rest of the day. 

You found yourself emotionally tired as you walked back through Jackson’s centre to your shed. You had certainly found yourself lost in the past for that brief moment in Joel’s house and it weighed on you like a stone. Suddenly, you were pulled out of your thoughts by someone grabbing you from behind.

“Gah! What the f-“ You cut yourself off as you turned around and found Dina grinning widely at you.

“Y/N! Why haven’t I seen you around? Staying busy?” The tip of her nose and her ears were tinged red from the cold, her hair pulled back into a ponytail. Her aura was as bright as always.

“When are we not busy?” You laughed. “Mind if we go inside out of the cold?” You had ended up in front of the pub once again.

“No. I’m freezing, c’mon!” Dina was first inside the pub, pushing past a few people to where you and her could sit in a corner by yourselves.

You rubbed your hands together and revelled in the extra warmth of the space happily. 

“Have you eaten yet?” She asked, taking off her gloves.

“Yeah, um, at Joel’s. With Ellie.” Dina knew about your avoidance of Joel, in fact, if you took time to think about it, it was likely all your friends had noticed it. But of course no one knew the real reason why.

“I heard from Jesse that you were assigned a patrol with Joel the other day. It went well, then? Considering you’ve been invited back to his house already.” She smirked, tilting her head.

“Yeah, everything went well!” You breathed out, nodding. “We did get snowed in for a little while though.” 

“Hmm.” Dina nodded, looking you up and down. “Hmm…”

One thing Dina was incredibly good at was reading people. You could tell the gears were turning in her head. “Did something happen with him?”

“Uh…” What really was spinning through your mind was the moment where you’d tenderly cleaned the wound on his cheek. But you figured telling Dina what Joel asked you would make her stop prying. “Joel asked if Ellie and Jesse were dating.”

Dina’s eyes went wide. “ _Really?_ That’s so _cute!_ You did tell him about Jesse and me, right?”

“Of course. He didn’t ask anything else after that.”

“If Joel thinks that, then it looks like I might have some competition for Jesse!” Dina laughed. “Only kidding, of course.” She straightened herself out. “Also, are you free at the end of the week? Cat wants to get us all together for a campfire.” Dina switched topics fluidly.

“I’ll make sure I am. It’s been a while since we’ve all been together!” You smiled brightly at the prospect. Some of your best nights in Jackson had been when you, Jesse, Dina, Cat, and Ellie spent time together as a whole group. 

“Too long if you ask me. Ah shit, here comes Maria. I gotta get going. See you later, Y/N!” Dina was gone as quick as she came, leaving you alone in the pub.

As you headed back outside you glanced to your right and saw her getting scolded by Maria. She noticed you and gave you a playful glare, causing Maria to turn around. You hightailed it out the door and down the street. No one was ever in the mood to be scolded by Maria.

Eventually making it back to your house you were glad for the warmth it provided, albeit a bit lonely. You didn’t mind too much, revelling in the silence after a long morning. Dina’s interception had taken your mind off of your flashback at Joel’s house. Instead, your mind was stuck on Joel, even more so than usual. You had went from keeping him out of your life to now seeing minute details of who he was, such as the paintings and the carvings in his house. You felt as if you were successful so far by not letting anyone realize the way in which you were interested him and you were glad for it. The less questions your friends asked, the easier it would be to keep your secret under wraps. But really you were bubbling at the surface, not having anyone to spill your emotions to.

You laid in your bed on your stomach, face in the covers. _Why_ was Joel making it so difficult to manage your own feelings? It could’ve been anyone else, but for some apparent reason it was _him_. 

You rolled over and slapped your hand onto your forehead. Your gut was telling you dealing with Joel was going to get even harder from here.


	4. fire is for liars. and the heart

It was finally the end of the week and you were tired, body sore and ready for an off-duty weekend. Despite your exhaustion you were excited to end the week by spending time with your friends. The weather had taken a likeable turn for the evening, the familiar chill in the air toned down for a comfortable evening by a fire.

The sun had just started to set and you were off to the clearing of woods at the edge of town where it was best to start a campfire. It was well away from the main housing of the town, no one having to worry about how loud they were. 

When you made it to the clearing there was only one person there, crouched down starting the fire.

“Cat! I guess we’re first here!” You smiled brightly, laughing when she flinched from your voice.

“Y/N! You scared me!” Cat turned around, still crouching and brushing her bangs out of her eyes. Her tattoos had made their way to her hands. “It’s so good to see you! I wish we were assigned something together this week.”

“I know! My patrols got switched around, so that’s why. How’s Murphy been treating you?” Both you and Cat used the same horse when you weren’t on duty together, and always argued over who got to ride him when you were together.

“Same as always. Better than you ‘cause he loves me more.” She snickered, fire finally alight as she stood up.

“He’s gonna buck you off one of these days and it’ll finally make you see the truth.” You crossed your arms and huffed playfully.

Cat rolled her eyes. “Whatever. We’re early again, as always.”

“That just means everyone else is late.” You raised your eyebrows and put a finger to your temple. 

Cat laughed heartily, face lighting up happily. One thing you especially loved about her was her smile. When she was happy, she was _really_ happy. She was the one person you had thought of possibly telling how you felt about Joel. You and her had become incredibly close the quickest out of all your friends when you arrived in Jackson. The two years between you felt like nothing. 

“You two are early! Don’t even start with the everyone-else-is-late talk!” Jesse’s voice interrupted you two, and you both turned around to see Jesse and Dina walking together, linked at the elbows.

“I mean, technically-“ You started, grinning widely.

“I said _don’t_ start. We’re perfectly on time.” Jesse’s tone sounded serious, but the look on his face said otherwise.

“Cat! Let me see your new tattoo!” Dina cut between you and Jesse, coming up to Cat and taking the girl’s hand in hers.

Dina was always raving about how cool Ellie and Cat’s tattoos were, but never wanted to get any herself. “Finally gonna let me tattoo you?” Cat asked cheekily.

“I’d much rather admire yours, thank you very much. You should give Y/N one.” Dina looked up at you and winked before inspecting Cat’s hand closely again.

“I’m not against it, but I have absolutely _no_ clue what I would want.” You shrugged your shoulders.

“Alright. So get drunk first, then do whatever looks best.” Jesse commented, sitting down on the large fallen tree trunk next to the fire.

“Yeah. There’s some good advice.” Dina shook her head exasperatedly, chuckling. She let go of Cat and went to sit next to Jesse.

You and Cat sat down on the ground on the other side of the fire, Cat sitting comfortably cross legged and you with one knee to your chest. All four of you looked to the edge of the clearing at the sound of footsteps. Ellie emerged, guitar clutched in one hand.

“Sorry I took so long!” She panted, out of breath as she sat down on a tree stump between where Dina and you sat. 

“Can I say she’s late?” You looked hopefully to Jesse. He gestured to Ellie as your go ahead. “You’re late, buddy.” You flashed a full toothed smile.

“Thank you for that.” Ellie blinked at you. The sun had almost set by now, the pink of the sky fading to dark blue, the stars just beginning to emerge. “I’ve been learning some new songs lately and I left without my guitar.”

“I would’ve been blessed by your voice alone.” You nodded, closing your eyes in reverence.

Ellie groaned. “There’s no way you really mean that.”

“No, no I agree! I could’ve sung your guitar parts and made it perfect!” Cat chimed in, placing a hand on her own chest.

Jesse laughed, arm now wrapped around Dina’s shoulders. “I’d trade something good to hear that. As long as Dina and Y/N joined in.”

“Alright, let’s start a band. We’ll call it One Of Us Doesn’t Have a Tattoo.” You looked from Ellie to Cat, both of them staring at you with the that-was-a-bad-joke look.

“I second that.” Jesse raised his hand. “It’s good ‘cause it’s true.”

The group continued their banter, conversation moving from the made-up band to real bands, to music and movies. Despite the different past and present couplings in your friend group, no one had harsh feelings toward any other. It really was a perfect match of all your personalities together. It got colder when the sun completely disappeared, and the fire grew in size to match it, no one complaining. Ellie had started playing her guitar after being egged on by you and Cat to play something you could sing backup vocals to (and purposely, you both sang as horribly as you could). Dina had laughed so hard she begged you all to stop, and Jesse commented that Ellie should go solo. Altogether it was a humbling experience.

After this, Ellie started to explain the story behind the next song she was going to play. She said that it was the first song Joel played for her after she found out he could both sing _and_ play the guitar. 

The soft strumming of her guitar filled the night air, silence falling over all of you as you listened intently. The light of the flames engulfed everyone’s faces in warmth, eyes all shining except for Ellie, whose eyes were closed. The lyrics of the song were beautiful, and the emotion that spilled from Ellie’s voice was as coarse as sandpaper, real and raw. It was like getting a look into the heart that Ellie and Joel shared. Your own heart squeezed in your chest with a mix of different feelings. You felt joyful for Ellie, saddened at your own lack of familial relationship, and the usual Joel guilt. You honestly needed a name for the feeling at this point as it was such a common occurrence. 

When Ellie finished everyone had tears in their eyes except Jesse, who had a small, endearing smile on his face. Ellie looked around at everyone. “I hope this means I didn’t suck.”

“Ellie! Of course not!” Dina cried out, leaving her spot and crushing her in a hug, guitar between the two.

Ellie was surprised, eyes widening slightly and chuckling awkward while patting Dina on the back. You eyed Jesse to see his reaction. He was still smiling, but looking at the crackling fire instead. You wondered if he saw the way Dina looked at Ellie just as you had back in the summertime.

“Alright you two, break it up.” Cat laughed, getting up to throw more wood on the fire.

The night continued on, conversation lively and happy. It had been a couple hours at most since everyone arrived and you felt yourself starting to doze off. The long week was especially hitting you right now. The conversation began to feel distant as your eyes started to close. You were jerked straight out of your near-sleep when you heard your name mentioned, followed by Joel’s.

“Huh?” You opened your eyes and sat up straight.

“I told you it would work!” Dina exclaimed, the group laughing.

“What? What would work?” You were confused, thinking you’d missed a joke or something of the sorts.

“You were almost asleep, so we said Joel’s name to see if it’d wake you up.” Cat wiped a tear of laughter out of her eye, shoulders still shaking in amusement. 

“What is it with you and him anyways?” Jesse looked interested, his arm around Dina again, this time on her waist.

You felt everyone’s eyes burning into you. “What’re you even talking about?” You looked around at everyone. “What?”

Cat leaned back onto her hands. “You scared of the guy or something? You’ve avoided him for a long time.”

“Actually, I haven’t. Right, Ellie? I just saw him this week, me and Ellie helped him out.” You kept the desperation out of your voice as you turned to Ellie for backup. You felt like a cornered animal, despite them being your friends. You couldn’t just sit there and explain to them how you secretly wanted to… Have relations with a man more than double your age _and_ that person essentially being Ellie’s dad.

“I mean, yeah… But before then…” Ellie scratched the back of her neck, giving you an apologetic look.

You put your face in your hands and sighed. Your mind was rushing to come up with an answer. “Well, he’s intimidating. I feel like I’ll mess up in front of him really easily.”

“That’s cute. You’re close with Tommy, those two are more alike than you think. Neither of them would be upset with you unless you fucked up really badly.” Dina offered you comforting words, Ellie nodding along in agreement.

“You guys are right, I know.” You think they bought it. “If it’s any consolation, I’m working on it. Patrol with him went great.” You paused before asking a question that had been on your mind. “Do any of you think he’s noticed?”

Ellie shrugged. “Never mentioned anything to me. He probably understands anyways. I wouldn’t worry about it.”

You nodded. Internally you breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t a far off thought to think that Joel didn’t care nor notice your avoidance of him. Being able to form a normal relationship with him was what you hoped for. 

Dina then turned the conversation, the questioning about Joel ending as quickly as it began. Your heart slowed from its racing pace and you felt yourself drifting off to sleep again. Maybe it was time to call it a night. You announced to everyone that you needed to get to bed and Cat agreed, wanting to walk back with you. Her parents house was way closer to the edge of town than yours was. 

Away from the fire and walking down the streets of Jackson was peaceful yet a bit chilled. The sound of the river was distant but a familiarity, and the street lights glowed orange in the dark night. You and Cat walked in silence, enjoying the ambience and the presence of each other.

“So, Y/N I’m curious.” Cat broke the silence, looking to the left at you, bangs falling in her face. “You’ve been here what, two years now?”

You nodded. You’d mentioned your past in bits and pieces to her, knowing full well that she had put them all together and had a good idea of what you had been through before coming to Jackson. You were unsure as to what she was going to ask. 

“Have you liked anyone? In a romantic way, I mean. You never talk about guys. Or girls, for that matter.” Your best friend really only looked curious, not prying in any way.

You shrugged. “No one’s caught my eye.” A blatant lie. You ought to self identify as a liar at this point.

Cat stopped walking and you turned to her. “What?” You said.

“You’re lying.” She held eye contact with you. The street lights now seemed to loom over you.

“Okay. You can choose not to believe me if you want.” You held your ground, holding her gaze in yours.

“You can just tell me. I already know. Not judging or anything.” Cat crossed her arms, smirk growing on her face.

You gulped. Did she actually know? You thought Ellie would’ve noticed before Cat. Or even Dina. You felt like Dina could see right through you. Should you keep lying? Was Cat bluffing? You realized at this moment that you were piss poor at reading people, not knowing where Cat was going with this. You had been too invested in providing cover for yourself.

“I don’t know what to say.” You said truthfully. The sentence was ambiguous.

“Yes, you do. Don’t you trust me enough to tell me?” Cat let her arms drop, eyebrows furrowing sadly.

“Of course I trust you it’s just that I can’t-“ You started, but Cat butted in.

“So there _is_ someone!” She exclaimed, the hurt disappearing from her face in an instant.

“Oh no. Fuck you. This is not how it’s gonna work.” You turned your nose up at her and started walking away.

“Y/N! I’m sorry! _Please_ can you tell me who it is?” She ran up and followed you, hands clasped together.

“It’s your mother. Get away from me.” You gave her the evil eye and turned around to walk in the opposite direction.

“I’m telling her you said that!” Cat called after you, cracking up into loud laughter.

You flipped her off without looking back. She was gonna bug you about it till the day you confessed to her that Joel was the only person you were interested in. You hoped it wouldn’t have to come to that. You realized that turning around meant you were on the long way back home. You didn’t mind, truthfully. Anytime to think and decompress was something you didn’t take for granted because of your life before Jackson. 

Walking, you began to hear the soft sound of a guitar in the distance. It couldn’t be Ellie though, the woods far from you now. The stillness of the night was filled with a beautiful melody, and your feet followed where your ears heard the music. You realized, with a small flutter of your heart that it was leading to Joel’s house. You knew you shouldn’t keep following. But when had what your brain told you lead to anything other than the submergence of your heart? She was bursting inside your ribcage. You shouldn’t. You shouldn’t. You can’t. Don’t do it. 

Your heart led you up the stairs of his porch. 

He was sitting on a chair, eyes closed and head bobbing to the rhythm of the song he was playing. One leg resting on the other and the light peeking through the windows behind him, you saw a man as how he once was. Before the world fell apart. 

He opened his eyes and looked to his left, music coming to a stop. His gaze didn’t feel intense at this moment, rather it held a mix of surprise and polite kindness. “Y/N, hey.” He set down his guitar against the table next to him.

“Hi. I’m sorry, I just heard you playing, and…” You bit your lip and looked at the ground, fiddling with your fingers.

Joel breathed out a chuckle. “It’s alright. Could use some company up here anyways.” He stood up and grabbed his mug off of the table, walking forward and leaning against the railing of the porch. 

You hesitantly walked forward to the railing, Joel looking out to the night sky. His looks took your breath away as always.

“Tonight, um, Ellie played the song she said you first played for her.” You paused a moment, glancing at Joel. He had a faint smile hidden under his beard. “I really liked it.” You didn’t know what else to say, only that you needed to say _something_.

“ _Future Days._ Feels like that was just yesterday.” He took a sip of whatever was inside his mug. 

You let out a breath into the cold air. “Time seems different here. Out there, it’s almost like every hour is a month of surviving.”

You both turned to look at each other, his eyes swimming with thoughts. “How long you been in Jackson now? A couple years?” He asked suddenly.

“Two years, yeah. I was eighteen when I got here.” You nodded, eyes wide in wait.

He whistled lowly. “You fit right in. I’m doin’ nothing but gettin’ old.”

“Not at all!” You blurted out before you could stop yourself.

His lips parted in surprise. The air was still and stifling for a brief moment. “You ain’t gotta lie, sweetheart.” He laughed. 

You felt your cheeks redden at the pet name. “I’m being honest!” You couldn’t say you weren’t a liar. That would make you even more of a liar.

You couldn’t hold his gaze anymore, so you looked ahead. You hadn’t come to flatter him at all and it seemed you had already done it in record breaking time.

“Well, I ain’t gettin’ any younger.” He took another sip out of his mug. “Ellie loves to remind me of that.”

“I bet she does.” You chuckled, heart thumping in your ribcage. In an effort to change the topic, you asked, “What are you drinking?”

“Coffee.” He responded.

“How’d you manage to get that?” You were surprised. You’d never even had coffee yourself.

“Those people that came through last week. Had to trade with ‘em for it.” Joel answered, both hands on his mug. You noticed an owl on it. It very much fit with his vibe.

“It’s hard to come by, isn’t it? What’d you have to trade to get it?” You asked, genuinely curious.

“Well,” He pressed his lips together. “I rather had a nice winter coat a week ago.”

“For a bag of beans?” You laughed, shaking your head.

“Always loved it, although it’s costed me way too damn much over the years.” He admitted.

“Everyone has their thing. I’ve never had coffee before.” You commented.

“Really?” He turned to you.

You turned to him and shrugged. “Never had the chance to get a hot cup of coffee before, I guess.”

He offered his mug to you immediately. “Here.” You couldn’t read his face, couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

Surprised, you didn’t take the mug right away. He then pressed it into your hands, your fingers coming in to contact briefly. You wanted to flinch away from the touch. It made you think too much. You raised the cup to your lips, freaking out on the inside at the fact that he really just offered his drink to you. And not even any drink, his precious coffee. You were very aware of your lips making contact with the mug as you took a sip. Joel waited to see your reaction.

You didn’t expect it to be so bitter, but found that you actually enjoyed it. “I get why you like it!” You said, eyebrows raised in pleasant surprise. 

“I didn’t expect you to like it.” Joel took the mug back from you when you passed it back. “Tell you what. After our next patrol I’ll treat you.”

“You don’t have to do that!” You exclaimed, taken aback by the kind offer.

“I know I don’t have to. But I’m offerin’.” He replied. There was no way you could say no.

“Well, I’d love to, then. Thank you.” You smiled shyly, breaking eye contact. You figured this would be a good time to bid your farewell. “I better get going. Um, thank you for talking with me tonight.” 

“Anytime, sweetheart.” 

There was no way he didn’t see your physical reaction to him calling you sweetheart. You felt as stiff as a board.

“Have a good night.” You said, starting to walk down the porch stairs.

“Y/N?” Joel called after you. You turned around immediately. “I hope to see more of you around.” He gave you a final nod.

“O-of course.” You stuttered out before scampering down the steps and back to the street.

You could hardly believe he actually said that. Despite what your friends said, you now knew he clearly noticed your avoidance. The question now was, in what way did he take the avoidance? If he didn’t know before, the way you acted tonight was very much reminiscent of a young girl with a crush. 

You had _a lot_ to think about before your next patrol with Joel.

But trudging home at the late, cold, hour had never felt so warm before.


	5. black coffee, speakers, and a dance?

“Throw a couple logs on the fire.” Joel nodded over to the fireplace as both of you took of your jackets, hats, and gloves. Everything was covered in snow and you felt like even the ends of your hair were frozen. You were quick to pull off your boots and do as he asked, finding a few logs next to the fireplace and placing them where some warm embers laid. 

Today’s patrol had been less eventful than your first one with Joel, only a few stray infected by themselves being the most you had to deal with. Today he had insisted on taking most of the shots, but when you pulled your gun out and made the shot on an infected before he could, his surprised look turned from anger into one that wasn’t. It wasn’t and endearing or impressed gaze, but rather _calculating_ , thinking, wondering. You both took turns taking down infected from that point on.

You could hear Joel shuffling about the kitchen while you made sure the fire was starting. He raised his voice to be heard from the kitchen. “Y’know, it’s nice not to share coffee with Tommy for once.”

You got up and walked to the kitchen, leaning against the door frame as he grabbed two mugs. “Why is that?”

“Nice to share with someone new for once. Have a seat.” He beckoned to the small table he had in the kitchen next to a window. The snow fell quietly outside, the window frosty. It seemed to be a rather intimate setting. You tried to brush this thought out of your head.

He set a steaming cup of coffee in front of you, sitting across from you with a relieved sigh. You took a sip of the drink, the warmth settling in and ridding you of your chill from the cold winter day outside. 

“Interestin’ that you like your coffee black.” Joel commented, watching you hold the mug close to yourself.

“Black?” You frowned, looking into the mug. “Isn’t it more dark brown?” Joel’s slight laughter took you by surprise. “What?”

“Black is just a way of sayin’ there’s nothing else in it. Some people would put milk or sugar into their coffee.” He explained kindly.

“Oh. So you could make it in different ways?” You questioned, squinting at your coffee and imagining what it could look like with those ingredients.

“You could make it however you liked. You could buy coffee that had almost anything in it. I always preferred it like this, though.” Joel went on, giving you more understanding.

“Why do you like coffee so much?” You asked the first thought that popped into your head. “Just because of the taste?”

Joel took a sip and glanced out the window. You looked too. “Reminds me of better days.” He huffed out quickly, a look of reminisce in his eyes. 

You could tell he was somewhere else in the same second that he uttered those words. He glanced to the broken watch on his wrist, quietness blanketing you both. “Why did- Why did you come to Jackson?”

He leaned back in his chair, eyes locking with yours. Your eyes widened slightly, caught off guard by his intense gaze. Something in the air shifted and you suddenly felt too warm. He paused a moment before answering. “Life outside town wasn’t a place for Ellie.”

You looked up at him. His posture told you that he was relaxed, but the look behind his eyes said otherwise. It felt like he was challenging you to go on. You remembered when he caught you looking at his wood carvings, when you said the one you were holding reminded you of someone. It was as if the past was coming to mix with the feelings you had for him, twisting and turning in an uncertain strange desire. He was looking at you the same way when you had been nervously clutching his carving. Both of you held curiosity for one another.

“Or for you either, right?” You filled in what he left out.

Joel raised an eyebrow at you, urging you to go on without saying a word.

“Y’know, outside, there was so much I had to do that I knew was wrong.” You began, letting out a breath and taking another sip of your coffee. “It isn’t a place for _anyone_ out there. But the things I did make me think I don’t deserve to be in Jackson. I think I came here knowing that I shouldn’t.” You explained yourself vaguely. The past was too dirty to dig up for you, as it was for Joel.

The challenging look behind his gaze had changed in an instant- instead, you felt it as strongly as he did.

_Mutual understanding_. Just like two puzzle pieces slotting together to form a portion of a picture yet to be revealed. 

The snow continued to fall softly past the window, the sound of the fireplace gently crackling filling the earlier muffle of silence. “No one’s good in this world anymore. We did and still do what we can to survive. I… felt that way too, but Jackson is a place for new beginnings. Hell, I even took up a hobby, and now we’re sat here drinking coffee. That’s gotta tell you somethin’ bout’ what we deserve.” Joel shook his head in amused bewilderment. 

The moment pulled back to reality and you smiled down at your cup. “Here we are. Drinking coffee. Me, for the first time, you for the hundredth time.”

“Couldn’t even count if I tried.” Joel chuckled. The low rumble of his chuckle was beginning to become familiar to you. You wanted to keep hearing it. After a few beats of silence, he asked, “I wanted to ask, y’always been such a good shot?”

You looked up and tilted your head at his question. “You think I’m a good shot?”

“I was impressed today. Saw it on our first patrol too.” He nodded, assuring you that he meant it.

You were genuinely surprised. You would never have thought _Joel_ would be complimenting you, out of all people. “I’m surprised you think so. I can’t be anything better than average from what you’ve seen. Considering you have so much experience.” 

“Experience… Can only guess what you think of me.” You thought you saw his eyes flicker from your eyes to your lips and you stopped breathing for a moment, heart dropping to your stomach. “From what I’ve seen, yeah, you’ve got a talent for shootin’.”

You pressed your lips together, feeling heat rise to your face. “T-Thank you. Coming from you, that’s quite the compliment.”

Joel hummed in acknowledgement, and you both finished your coffee with light conversation. You offered to help clean up and he kindly declined, so you were soon on your way out of his house. You thought that was the most you were going to get of you interactions with him from the week, but as you opened the door to leave, you jumped in surprise at a figure standing and about to knock.

It was Maria, and she greeted you and Joel with a big smile. “I was told I might find you two here. I need a couple extra hands.”

Just like that, both you and Joel had your winter gear back on and were ushered out of his own house by Maria’s presence. “I need both of your hands, and also your input on a few things.” She explained as the two of you followed right behind her. “The winter dance is coming up, and I’m running behind schedule.”

“I’m not much of an expert in these things, Maria-“ Joel was cut off by her.

“I need you to lift the heavy things, big guy.” She threw a look back at him.

With the pace Maria was walking you all made it to the town’s event hall in record time. Joel opened the door for you and Maria, and you pulled your gloves and hat off once inside. “It looks great in here already! What are we, like three weeks away from the dance?” You looked at the bright, warm lights that were strung up, although right now they were few and far between. They made the whole room feel cozy.

“Yep. And the shit I still gotta do is insurmountable. Wiring’s not right on one of the speakers. Would you mind taking a look at it? Toolbox is over there if you need.” Maria asked, pointing to the said speaker on the other side of the room. The whole place had already been fitted with them when Tommy had decided on settling in the town, Maria had explained to you a while ago. It was always exciting to find technology that still worked decently.

Out of all the jobs the young people did in Jackson, you were also involved in the technological aspect of things. You had a knack for fixing everything from handheld radios to boom boxes, familiar with it all from your time outside. It was something you also learned from- you squeezed your eyes shut for a second. Now wasn’t the time to get lost in your memories again. 

“Yeah, of course. Might have to get someone from the radio crew to take a look at it if I can’t solve it, though.” You replied. 

“Alright. Thanks for your help, Y/N. I always appreciate you.” She gave you a pat on the back and set you off to your task, directing Joel on where to unload and put more equipment.

You bent down to where the speaker had been taken off its stand and started working, finding the problem much quicker than you expected. Maria had hit the problem on the head, the wiring being the only issue. Looked like the last person who’d been fucking around with the speaker had switched everything around, and for no apparent reason. You grumbled as you unplugged everything that was in the back of the speaker. Having to start from zero wasn’t easy. Not like anyone had directions sitting around for things like this.

It’d probably been thirty minutes since you started working on the speaker, and Joel had made his way over to you, Maria off his ass. “You just happen to be good at everythin’?”

You looked up at him from where you were kneeled on the floor, eyes sparkling prettily from the lights strewn about the room, wide as you took in his tall form right in front of you. “Not _great_ at this, but I’ve learned.” He wasn’t looking away from you, and you felt your cheeks begin to blush _again_. He wasn’t saying anything, either. “Um, do you want me to show what I’m doing?”

He blinked a couple times and you realized that you had just caught him blatantly staring at you. He glossed over the moment in an instant. Joel had an advantage in his age that you didn’t, to where he had control over conversation and moments like these when you felt completely powerless and at his will.

He bent down next to you, managing to keep the distance between you in the close quarters that it took to see the speaker panelling. You explained the gist of things, pointing to the different plugins. 

You handed him a jack to plug in while you switched what you hoped were the final wires. “Okay, you can plug it in.” You said without looking, preoccupied with your task. You glanced to see where he was going to put it in, and without thinking you quickly, but gently, grabbed his hand to stop him.

“Ah, sorry, not that spot there, but here.” You pointed to the correct spot with your other hand, letting go of his. The touch lingered after you let go, burning into your skin. It felt like crossing an invisible threshold, and the look you caught in his eyes made you frightened that he thought the same.

He plugged in the jack and stood up as you did, your eyes not leaving each others. “That should do it. I’ll get Maria to test it, but-“

Your eyes tore away from each other as you were interrupted by Maria shouting from across the room, “Perfect! I’ll try it now, stay there!” She went into a small room at the back of the hall, queuing the music. 

A familiar folk tune filled the room and you tried to smile at the success, but you felt rather off-put, worried as to what Joel was thinking. 

He looked over to you. “Know how to dance?” 

Your heart could _not_ take this. He’d thrown you so many punches today and this was the cherry on top. “N-no! Dina tried to teach me last year but…” You squeaked, worry in your stomach turning to butterflies alarmingly quickly.

He held out a hand to you. Alarm bells were ringing in your head. This went against everything that you said you wanted to get away from. But you had never allowed yourself to be weak, and if this was that moment, then you were willing to be. You hesitated in taking his hand.

He leaned closer to you and murmured, “It’s alright, sweetheart.”

There was no hesitation now. You took his large hand in yours, calloused palm meeting yours. He reached for your other hand and placed it on his shoulder. “Y’alright with this?” He checked before placing his other hand on you.

You nodded and his hand was on your waist. Your breath hitched at the touch. The strength he held in his hands was unimaginable and yet he touched you with such gentle care. The way you laid hands on one another was normal to the outside eye, but within the confines of the swirling feelings between the mystery of Joel’s thoughts and the truth that your heart felt, this moment felt uncertain but charged with emotion. You think he knew that whatever was happening between you two isn’t _right_ , but is now impossible to not act upon now that you had been forced to enter his life. 

But these were only your thoughts. You had no clue what he was truly thinking.

“Follow my lead and you’ll pick it up quick.” He smiled reassuringly. He was able to tell how stiff you were.

When Dina had tried teaching you to dance, it was a mess as you were unable to keep up with her, and having Cat snicker on the sidelines didn’t help one bit. You had given up on it and at the winter dance you stayed away from the whole dancing part and instead stuck with Ellie and Jesse.

This was completely different. Joel led you through the steps fluidly and with ease, your feet following his. “I think you _are_ good at everythin’.” He remarked, and you shook your head.

“It’s ‘cause of you.” You truthfully said. “You’re the best dance partner I’ve had. Considering you’re the second.”

Joel laughed at this and your heart swelled. Hearing his comfort brought you some relief. His touch on you didn’t burn as it did only a few minutes before, but rather felt warm and settled somewhere low in your gut that you wanted to shake off, but also wanted to place yourself pleasantly in. 

When the song ended you let go of Joel, honestly wanting to as your head was spinning from the whole situation. It was intoxicating. You had all but forgotten Maria was still there. 

“You make a good dance coach.” Maria commented, a warm smile across her face as she leaned her back against the wall next to the doors that led out of the event hall.

Joel laughed. “Tommy’s gonna hear about this one, I reckon.”

“You’re damn right he is. Thanks for the help, both of you. I’ll see what I can do about getting you an extra day off this week.” Maria graciously added.

As quickly as it began, you were ushered out the door and back into the cold. Joel had stuck behind to discuss something with Maria, and the air hitting your face never felt so good. You bent over and placed your hands on your knees, smiling wider than you think you ever had. 

“I can’t believe that just happened.” You whispered to yourself, setting off towards the stables. You had nothing else to do today- but you didn’t trust yourself to act normal in front of your friends.

So, the horses it was. If anyone understood you without judgement, Murphy did. You needed to think long and hard about how you were going to move forward with Joel. And somehow, you needed to find out what he was thinking. 

You weren’t sure _anyone_ truly knew his thoughts. Maybe you’d be the first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking around and waiting for the next update! Apologies that it took so long, but I'm super excited to have released this chapter! Things are finally kicking into gear. :)


	6. no more surprises, please

“Thanks for coming along, Y/N! Mom was nagging me as to when she were gonna see you next. I swear she loves you more than me.” Cat elbowed you teasingly as you both walked on top of compacted snow, crunchy under your footsteps. The sky was covered in a blanket of grey, a bite to the air in the coldness of winter.

“If it makes you feel better, I’ll love you enough for her.” You batted your eyelashes at Cat stupidly, gaining a punch on the arm. Her hair was down from the usual small ponytail she had on the back of her head. “Your hair’s getting pretty long, by the way. Gonna let me cut it this time?”

“You wish. My mom’ll do it, you know that. She’s like a business woman these days, cutting hair left and right. Y’know, I think Joel, Tommy and- Maria, if I’m right, were over there a while ago getting their hair cut.” Cat replied, trying to remember who exactly her mom was with.

“Oh! Really? Sounds like I need to get a haircut soon.” The familiar lifting feeling in your stomach arrived at the mention of Joel. Cat looked over at you quizzically, nodding as you continued your trek down the snowy road.

Cat’s mother, Kim was waiting inside for the pair of you when you arrived. Her house was smaller than Joel’s by far, but no less cozy. You’d spent a lot of time here since you came to Jackson, becoming close not only with Cat but her Kim too. You were always surprised at the warmth that came from so many people in Jackson. Cat didn’t look much like her mother, but Kim promised you that she looked just like her father. Besides, Cat inherited her mother’s humour.

She ushered you two to come and sit in the living room, Kim already pouring tea across from you and passing it out overtop of the handmade floor table that sat in the centre of the room. Cat sat next to you, both across from her mother. Exchanging pleasantries, your interest was sparked when she brought up the upcoming winter dance. 

“Do either of you have your eyes on anyone to go with?” Kim raised her eyebrows, looking at you and her daughter expectantly, voice laced with curiosity.

“Mom!” Cat laughed, covering her face.

You shook your head. “That’s a thing? I’ve only seen that in movies. At least, the few movies I’ve seen here!” You tilted your head in confusion.

“Of course it is! The older members of the town have sent word around. I thought you kids would’ve known before me!” Kim laughed heartily at you and Cat’s reaction. 

“Well, I don’t think there’s anyone I would ask…” You trailed off in thought. Of _course_ there was someone you wanted to ask. But that was off the table as soon as it even peeked into your mind. 

“That’s where you’re in luck. You’re a beautiful young woman! Any boy will be asking you one of these days.” Kim encouraged you.

“Boys… Yeah, we’ll see!” You chuckled slightly, shaking you head. There was only one man on your mind. “Now that you’ve heard of this, who’re you gonna ask?” You nudged Cat gently, genuinely just as curious as Kim.

“I don’t know either! But there’s a few girls that come to mind, yes. But I haven’t heard anyone else talking about it. We should ask Dina!” Cat scratched the back of her neck. 

“I trust your judgment, honey. I know you’ll pick someone good. And I’m not making it up! Now here, have some more tea.” Kim poured more for you and Cat.

The three of you conversed for a little while longer, before finally bidding Kim a goodbye and heading off to find Dina. Cat was sure she had a day off duty, and you both headed into the town centre to search for her. As you passed the playground where a few children were running about with snowballs in their hands, you spotted her.

“There she is!” You pointed her out to Cat, and as soon as you did, a snowball came flying your way. You ducked in time, Dina standing across from you with a sheepish look on her face. “You’re lucky we didn’t come to join the fight!” You called out.

Dina said bye to all the kids, receiving “Aww’s” and whines. “I’m not leaving forever!” She told them before walking through the fence gate to you and Cat.

“What’s up you two?” She asked, brushing snow off of her coat and pants, shaking her head for any more excess snow to fall off her neatly pinned bun.

“We were just visiting Cat’s mom, and she said people are asking out others to the dance with them. Did you hear about this?” You got straight to the point, rubbing your hands together in the cold.

“Oh yeah! I’ve been meaning to tell you both about it. I don’t know how it started as such a like, formal thing, but it’s a thing now!” Of course Dina knew right away. There was no way a girl as lively and talkative as her _wouldn’t_ know about it.

“Well, are you gonna go _formally_ with Jesse?” Cat asked. “I’d imagine you would.”

Dina grimaced slightly. “I’m waiting for him to ask. I don’t know, lately it seems like he hasn’t been putting that much effort into the relationship. So I’m waiting to see if he’ll step up with this.” She explained, letting out a sigh.

“Oh, I’m sorry Dina. I’m sure that if this is something that’s important to both him and you, he’ll definitely ask.” You held out your arms to give Dina a hug. She took it willingly.

“Sorry to make it about me! What about both of you? Anyone that you’re interested in going with?” Dina shook her mood off the same way she did the snow. That was one of the things that really impressed you about Dina, was her selflessness and willingness to be open with others but still not overtake any situations with her personality or anything she was going through.

“Considering we just heard about it today, I don’t really know. But I’ll find someone.” Cat shrugged.

“Y/N? What about you?” Dina turned her gaze to you.

“I’m not really into these sorts of things. So no one, I guess.” You shrugged too.

“Trust me, Y/N, you’ll have guys coming up left and right to ask you.” Dina said confidently.

“So you _do_ think I’m pretty?” You smiled cheekily, Dina rolling her eyes at you.

“I’m serious! Cat might have it easier than you because she’s so good with the girls around here, but just you wait.” She encouraged you the same way Kim did, and gave you a pat on the shoulder.

“You might as well ask someone, Y/N. Live a little! For all the time you’ve been here, we’ve never seen you be with any guys at all.” Cat added, Dina nodding in agreement.

You shook your head. “There’s just no one I’m interested in.” A half lie, you just weren’t interested in anyone your age.

“We’ve said all we can, it’s up to the boys around here to make a move.” Dina held up her hands in defeat. “I hardly understand my own man, so I have no wisdom to give you.”

You laughed. “It’s okay. Thanks for being encouraging, you two.”

You were always grateful for your friends, no matter what.

-

A couple weeks had passed and everyone was getting ready for the dance, a big event like it always brought the town together more than usual. Except now, it seemed like everyone was coupled up for the dance. Everyone from young to old seemed to have a date except you. In the back of your mind, you were glad for a problem like this. It was strangely comforting to have an issue in a thing with the living and not running from death instead. 

You had talked to both Ellie and Jesse about the dance, Ellie feeling the same way you did- that the winter dance wasn’t really her sort of thing and she didn’t care to go with anyone. It was discouraging for Dina, who really wanted to go with Jesse, when he didn’t express any want to go. He told you himself that he wasn’t really interested in turning the event into a “big deal”. Everyone’s moods were all over the place, Cat extremely happy having found a nice girl to go with, and Dina and Jesse on edge when with each other. 

You on the other hand, were bummed out about the whole situation but couldn’t show it. Obviously, it was because you couldn’t go with Joel or express to anyone how you felt. You recognized that it was stupid and illogical that you wanted to go with Joel, but you couldn’t help feeling that way. Secretly you wanted Joel to swoop in and be your saviour, but it was nothing but an unbridled fantasy.

Now you were at the pub, settled down out of the cold for lunch. As you walk through the doors, you spot Tommy at the bar, sitting down for lunch as well. It wasn’t too busy, only a few people hanging around eating on break.

“Tommy, hi!” You came over to him, not having seen him too much in the busy days that winter had been in Jackson lately.

“Hey, little thing. Been a while since I seen you.” He cocked his head to the seat next to him, offering it to you.

“It’s been busy around here. Especially with the dance coming up.” You sat down.

Tommy chuckled. “Maria’s in full on mission mode with this kinda thing. Made me busier too. So what’s goin’ on with you these days? Excited for the dance?” 

He was eager to catch up and you felt happy by his show of affection, the pair of you being close, but the last thing you wanted to do was talk about the dance any longer. “Excited? I guess so. It’s fun for everyone to be together.”

“That don’t sound like much excitement to me. But you know how to dance now! That’s something, ain’t it?” There was a lilt to his voice, teasing you in the way he tended to.

You felt your face get hot. “I don't even need to ask whether or not Maria told you that.”

“I gotta say, I ain’t peg either of you for the dancing type. Maria said it was like she wasn’t even there too.” Tommy found your embarrassment even more amusing, it seemed. “You two have really hit it off, haven’t you? Come a long way in a short time.”

“I’ve got you to thank for that, don’t I?” You gave Tommy a pointed look.

“Hey, all you in the effort category. You could’ve ignored me.” Tommy glanced over to the clock above the bar counter. “Sorry to leave you hangin’, kid, but I’ve gotta run. Come see me soon, yeah?”

“Of course!” You replied, watching Tommy get up and hurry out the door. You wanted to talk to him longer, but at least right now you wouldn’t have to be teased about Joel.

You sat on your own, digging into your lunch. You expected to be on your own today, but you were interrupted by someone who you were really only acquaintances with.

“Hey, Y/N!” Someone plopped themselves in the seat next to you and you looked over in surprise.

“Oh! Hello.” It was Charlie, one of the boys who worked at the stables. In the mornings he would get Murphy saddled up and ready for you. He was kind enough and handsome enough, albeit quite pale especially in the wintertime. 

He started chatting you up about Murphy, talking about how good of a horse he was and how good of a rider you were and-

“Charlie, I’m sorry, but I have to head out right away.” You felt bad interrupting him mid-conversation, but your lunch break was almost over and you hardly had gotten the chance to eat. 

“I sorta came here to ask you something,” He started. Your stomach started turning. It was just as Dina and Kim said, someone had come to ask _you_ to the dance. “I know it’s weird and different this year, and sort of a new thing, but do you want to come to the dance with me?” He looked at you expectantly, a smile across his face.

“I’m not a good dancer or anything…” You chuckled awkwardly. “I’m the last person you wanna ask.” You looked everywhere except at Charlie.

“No I’m serious, I want to go with you! Everyone else has already found their dates, y’know.” He leaned closer to you and you backed up slightly, shaking your head.

“I’m sorry, I’m just really not looking to go with anyone.” You smiled sympathetically, but it did nothing to back him off. He was _determined_.

“Please? I know you’re not going with anyone else.” He was begging at this point, and you were very off put by it.

“Charlie, I’m sorry b-“ You started, immediately cut off by him.

“I’m gonna keep asking until you say yes. We’ll have fun, I promise.” He kept pressing. You stayed silent for a couple moments, a hopeful smile still on his face. You didn’t think you really had a choice at this point.

Just as you were about to give in and say yes, your saviour swooped in.

“How many times does the girl gotta say no for you to understand it?” Joel’s deep voice rumbled from behind you, menacing tone at the forefront. 

Charlie’s face dropped immediately, legitimate fear in his eyes. “So sorry Mr. Miller! I um- yeah! Bye Y/N!” He scampered off as if he was a dog with its tail between its legs.

Joel took his seat and studied you intently. “Are you alright?”

You breathed a sigh of relief. “Now I am. Thank you for getting me out of that one. I’ve never dealt with that before without the option of punching someone in the face.” You laughed shakily.

“I was watching that. Wouldn’t’a blamed you if you did, but it seemed like you needed a hand.” You felt that familiar energy between you and Joel. Halfway to lust fuelled by intrigue.

“If you’re gonna give me a hand every time I get into trouble, I’d better start causing more.” Your usual nervous energy wasn’t guiding your words, your brain unfiltered from the relief that Joel’s presence was giving you.

His eyes scanned yours, and the depth in which he seemed to look right into you had you feeling unsure over what you just said. It was probably completely inappropriate, probably moved his thoughts into reality. The reality being that nothing about this encounter was turning out to be as wholesome as how it began.

“I’d like to see that.” He remarked. His words were smooth, but hung drifting in the air between the pair of you. Your eyes remained locked before he finally got up from his seat, the moment fading fast. “Enjoy your day, sweetheart.”

Just like that he was gone as quick as he came, and you were left staring straight ahead of you with your cheeks ablaze. You couldn’t believe you really said that and you couldn’t believe he didn’t seem opposed to it at all. Not even in the slightest. Your head was full of thoughts, hope seeming to rise to the surface of all the baggage that was stuffed inside. 

This momentary feeling was very, unfortunately, momentary, as you were surprised for what felt like the fifth time that day. And in the same place.

“What was _that_?” It was Cat, and by the sound of her voice, she had just seen your interaction with Joel.

You spun around on your stool to face her. How were you going to explain this one? “Oh, hey! You saw, erm, that?” You tried your best to wipe what felt like a guilty look off your face.

“Uh, yeah? Charlie bumped into me on my way in, and kinda seemed like Joel scared him off or something… Is that what happened?” Cat looked nothing short of confused.

“Pretty much. Charlie was asking me to the dance and wouldn’t leave me alone, even when I said no. Several times.” You explained, hoping she’d think your appearance of distraught was over that fact.

“Ugh. Figures. I never liked that guy anyways. Kinda weird. But uh, what was the _other_ thing?” She leaned in closely to you.

“What other thing?” Great job. Playing dumb. It’d worked before.

“The way you and Joel were looking at each other. It was, like… Like… I don’t know!” Cat struggled with her words trying to explain how the situation looked to her.

“I don’t know either! He just told me I looked like I needed help and that was pretty much it.” You felt slightly less morally corrupt when you didn’t directly lie. It also made your statements much more believable, you felt. 

“Well, okay… Are you,” Cat interrupted herself by snorting. “Don’t hit me for this question, but, are you into Joel or something? ‘Cause that was… Something…”

You choked on your own saliva. “What the fuck?” You said in-between coughs. This was your true, genuine reaction. You thought, especially from your time with your friends at the campfire a few weeks back, that no one suspected too much. 

“Sorry, sorry! I had to ask! Please don’t hit me!” Cat held her hands in front of her face for defence, expecting a whack on the head from you. 

“I really ought to. Don’t say that again.” Your threat was very real, but you made sure it didn’t come across that way. Your stomach was tied in knots, terrified of the truth being made real to even your best friends.

“I won’t!” Cat dropped her hands back down. “That reminds me! I came to find you. You’re late for patrol duty with me.” 

“Oh shit! I do _not_ want an earful from Jesse today. Let’s go.” Both of you were out the doors of the pub as quick as possible.

Jogging alongside Cat, your mind raced even faster. Your carefully built, strange relationship with Joel was starting to come unraveled in front of your eyes, and the hope that you had for keeping it under wraps was beginning to morph into hope for acceptance from Joel. 

Maybe something good could come out of your feelings, if he felt in any way how you did. You had a peek into that today, but it came with a close call with Cat. 

You realized at that very moment you weren’t going to be able to keep it a secret for much longer. The question was whether someone was going to find out, or if you were going to tell them on your own terms. 

“Be with me.” You whispered the familiar phrase to yourself, calming the anxiety curling in your stomach.

Cat looked over to you knowingly, small smile on her face. “Whatever you’re worried about, I’m with you too.”

“Thanks.” You said softly. The guilt curled in your stomach far more fierce than your worries. 

You couldn’t keep lying to the people you cared about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WAHOO! A NEW CHAPTER! 
> 
> Now not to get anyone too hyped for the next chapter or anything, but YEA. things are gonna start MOVING and I'm getting even more excited drafting out the plans for the upcoming chapters. Once again I'm sorry the wait was so long, but I'm so glad you readers are willing to wait.
> 
> I hope you all had a good Christmas and are getting into the rhythm of things this January. Life hasn't been treating me great as of late, but I'm sure we'll all be doing better as long as we look ahead.
> 
> Thank you as always for reading! I appreciate it so very much.


	7. nothing but drinks at the dance. and devastation

The day had finally come. It had been hectic in town the few days before the big event, everyone running around to help with everything from food to games for the kids to run around playing. You’d had your hands full helping with the technical side of things, working with a small team directed by a very stressed Maria. You didn’t get approached by anyone else after Charlie either, and you could only guess at what he had told his friends about the situation. Everyone seemed settled from their strange moods other than you. Dina and Jesse both seemed calmer, and you had hardly seen Cat since she was spending all her free time around the girl she had picked to attend the dance with.

And so it was an hour before the dance started, and you were in the event hall with Ellie, getting the last of the bar situation together. Lights that were strung from the ceiling draped prettily all around, a warm lighting creating a sort of magic that was only felt on special nights like the one you were in. The few people in the hall chattered happily as last touches were set up, the comforting ambience managing to cut into your sourness at least a little bit.

“Crazy how we’re drinking the stuff we made tonight.” You remarked, looking at the rather murky alcohol that you set underneath the bar counter.

“I think it’s crazier that we still have real stuff from who knows how long ago.” Ellie replied, on the other side of the counter, leaning over to look at what you were shelving.

“I’m curious to try both.” You looked around Ellie to try and spot Maria, and without seeing her, you crouched down on the floor with a glass at your feet. You poured some of the homemade booze into it and tipped it back quickly.

“Fuck, Y/N!” Ellie scoffed, turning around to make sure Maria wasn’t coming.

You wiped your mouth and stood. “That tastes like horse shit.”

“Don’t drink too much tonight. We need you _alive_ to patrol tomorrow.” She turned around. “Now pour me some of the good stuff.”

You grinned, disappearing for a minute below the counter and reappearing with a glass of whiskey in hand. Slowly more people began to trickle in, and the music was turned on, rhythmic folk music joyfully spilling into the room. You poured yourself another drink and joined Ellie on the _correct_ side of the counter.

“I hate these things.” You jumped slightly at the appearance of Jesse, coming to stand next to Ellie with sigh.

“Tell me about it.” Ellie remarked, bringing her drink up to take a sip.

“Your old man really laid into me today.” Jesse said, Ellie responding with an eye roll.

“What happened?” You asked, interest of course piqued.

“It was about you, actually.” He nodded to you, and Ellie looked curiously to you. You gave a shrug. You had no clue what it was about, and your heart started to pick up in your chest, warmth of the ever increasing amount of people in the hall feeling a little stifling.

“I was gonna switch around the patrols, change some routes and partners around. He didn’t like that idea too much.” Jesse explained nonchalantly. “Said he wanted to patrol with you rather than any of the new recruits he was stuck with before Tommy.”

“O-Oh.” You bit your the inside of your cheek to hold back the huge smile that you felt coming up.

Ellie looked at you again, curiosity dancing behind her eyes. “I’m glad you two are getting along that well. And sorry, Jesse. I know he can be that way sometimes.” She turned to Jesse and gave him a sympathetic grimace.

Jesse chuckled. “I hope to be like him if I manage to get old.” 

Ellie laughed and you knocked back the rest of your drink, grabbing another. Turning back around, you saw Dina at the centre of the room, dancing and laughing her heart out. Both Ellie and Jesse’s eyes were on her.

“Not gonna go dance with your girl?” You asked Jesse, raising your eyebrows questioningly.

Jesse winced slightly. “Yeah, about that. We broke up last week.”

Neither you nor Ellie were surprised. It was more than obvious that they’d been having troubles in the last while.

“She’s putting on quite the show.” You remarked, looking over to Dina’s joyful figure bounding around.

“I give you guys two weeks until you’re back together.” Ellie smirked, Jesse shaking his head and chuckling.

“Not gonna happen.” Jesse glanced to the side. “She uh, say something to either of you?”

“One week.” Ellie said and you laughed, nodding in agreement.

Dina then spotted the three of you, leaving her partner hanging and coming over, sweaty and happy. “You guys, hey!” She reached for the glass in Ellie’s hand, taking a swig and putting it back on the counter.

“Dina.” Jesse nodded.

“Jesse.” She nodded back, taking Ellie by the hand and giving you a two fingered salute before pulling her to the dance floor.

You looked over to Jesse. “Kinda harsh.”

He breathed out a defeated sigh. “I’m gonna go take a breather. You good here on your own?”

You nodded, giving him a supportive pat on the shoulder.

“And don’t drink too much.” He warned you before slipping through the few people littered by the door.

You looked into your glass, and seeing that it was empty again you poured another drink. You didn’t want to be by yourself, but at least you had a good (well, as good as you could get) drink with you. Pressing your lips together you looked into the crowd of slow dancing couples, and you felt a twinge of jealousy. You also didn’t spot Joel anywhere yet. But there was no way he _wouldn’t_ be in attendance, and there was also no way you would bring it upon yourself to go look for him. 

What you _did_ spot was Dina and Ellie kissing- Your mouth dropped open. You wanted to jump up and down and cheer, but you clutched your drink to your chest with a huge smile on your face. It had been a while since Ellie confessed to you in the greenhouse that she liked Dina. Your heart leaped with joy for the both of them. You were also _very_ glad that Jesse was outside. 

When the song ended you saw Dina and Ellie disappear to the other side of the room, and you caught a glimpse of Joel as they appeared to be talking to him. He had a smile on his face. You raised a hand in victory for Ellie even though she couldn’t see it. 

You leaned against the counter behind you, admiring the atmosphere. You were glad everyone in the room was happy right now. Everyone except you. You bobbed your head in tune with the music and spotted Cat for the first time that night. She was with the same girl- and you felt bad because you couldn’t remember her name.

“What’re you doin’ by yourself?” You looked to your left, Tommy having found you. He looked happy, twinkle in his eyes and a drink in his hand along with you.

“Tommy!” You grinned, alcohol making you a little _too_ happy to see him. “I’m… Drinking!”

“Someone’s had a little too much tonight.” He laughed. “Y’might be regretting it in the morning.”

“Hey! I’m young and thriving! It’s the best time for me to live.” You raised your cup up and smiled cheekily before drinking the rest. It was at that moment, that just past Tommy you noticed Joel leaned against the wall with a beer in hand. “Wow.” You said aloud.

Tommy was confused, turning around to try and follow your gaze. He waved a hand in front of you to gain your attention. You looked at him. “What?”

He shook his head. “So how come a handsome boy ain’t come and swipe you up for the dance?” He asked, reaching over the counter to get another drink.

You fake sniffed (sort of). “No one would have me.”

Tommy blinked at you. “Y’serious?”

You stared at him a moment longer before laughing. “Jeez, of course not. I just wasn’t asked by anyone I really liked. Not really my kinda thing.”

Tommy studied you carefully. “I dunno, girl.. At your age… Somethin’s up with you, ain’t it?”

You looked to the ground, mustering up the saddest expression you could. “Yeah, um.”

He put a hand on your shoulder kindly. “You can tell me, whatever it is.”

“I’ve just… I’ve fallen for you, and I can’t tell Maria ‘cause I don’t wanna be the other woman.” You stuck out your bottom lip and held back the most laughter you ever had in your entire life.

“You- Fucking hell, Y/N!” Tommy looked halfway between amused and astonished.

You couldn’t stop laughing, one hand on your stomach. “You’re too easy, Tommy.” You wiped tears from your eyes as your laughter died down.

“You’re drunk.” He scoffed, shaking his head.

“And you’re a man. Are we gonna state the obvious all night?” You were filled with giggles again. 

You were intercepted by another hand on your shoulder. It was Cat, and she flicked you on the forehead. You whined, rubbing the spot. “Sorry about her, Tommy. I don’t think anyone’s been watching how much she’s been drinking tonight.”

Tommy shook his head. “We’ve all been there. And ain’t the first time she’s done it. Y/N, listen to your friend.” He directed his attention back to Cat. “I take it you’ll watch her?”

“I’m right here!” You pouted at both of them. “And I’m not _that _drunk. I’ve been worse!” You looked past Tommy again at Joel, longer hair and speckled beard doing nothing but unspeakable things to you. “It’s a _good_ night tonight.”__

__Cat’s eyes almost popped out of their sockets as she could see who you were looking at while Tommy couldn’t. “I’ve got her Tommy, you’re good to go!”_ _

__Tommy looked at the pair of you. “Alright, kids. Be careful.” He walked off and you turned to Cat with a stupid smile on your face._ _

__“Hey.”_ _

__“You’re such an idiot. Why are you drinking so much?” Cat took the glass out of your hand._ _

__You shrugged, looking back over to where Joel was standing. This time he looked back at you as you saw Tommy mutter something in his ear._ _

__“I’m talking to you!” Cat exclaimed, annoyance written over her features._ _

__“Sorry.” You said sheepishly, having to drag your eyeballs away from Joel._ _

__“So you’re into Joel.” She suddenly said, arms crossed. You couldn’t come close to deciphering what the look on her face was due to your inebriation._ _

__“Huh?” You mentally couldn’t come up with anything to say. The only thing that went through your mind was that Cat was right. You’re an idiot._ _

__“You’re into Joel. I’m not as stupid as you think.” Her foot tapped on the ground rapidly._ _

__“I don’t think you’re-“_ _

__“You’re being beyond obvious tonight. I might’ve brushed it off if I didn’t see you and Joel in the pub together, but now it _really_ all makes sense.” Cat spoke precisely, her words cutting into you the way a knife whittled through wood._ _

__You couldn’t respond, mouth dry and a cold sweat forming despite the warmth of the room. You didn’t want this to happen now, you didn’t want it to happen ever. And here the reality was, laid in front of your feet, and all you could do was look at the floor and pretend that it wasn’t happening._ _

__“Why didn’t you just tell me?” She asked, and all you could do was shake your head and look to the ground._ _

__You waited, and waited, and when you looked back up she was no longer standing in front of you. You glanced around the room, still abuzz, but not finding Cat anywhere._ _

__“Fuck.” You whispered, walking up to the counter again and getting another drink. Downing more whiskey, you’re about to take another sip in a state of absolute paralyzing fear, when none other than Joel Miller places his hand over the glass. You didn’t even have thirty seconds to think about what just happened._ _

__“I think you’ve had quite enough there, girl.” The low grumble of his voice was enough for you to forget all the worries that dragged you down. You felt like your brain exploded, oozing out of your ears. Your entire body vibrated, fragile but standing firm._ _

__You cooly turned and looked up at him. “You’re really gonna stop me? Tonight?” You let your eyes glass over, pouting just enough to where you knew exactly how you looked to the older man._ _

__“I think you ain’t gonna stop unless someone tells you to.” Joel kept his hand firmly overtop of the glass. You weren’t in the right headspace to try and guess what he was thinking. You just wanted him to keep looking at you._ _

__“Why don’t you make me?” Your innocent pout turned up into a coy smile, attention directly on his eyes and how they made you feel when he looked down on you._ _

__“I don’t think you know what you’re sayin’ right now.” He chuckled, and you felt your demeanour crack slightly. This wasn’t the reaction that you wanted._ _

__“I don’t think you’re getting what I mean.” You tugged the glass out from under his hand and moved to knock the rest of it back, but his hand moved even quicker than yours._ _

__He grasped your wrist tightly, stopping you midway to your mouth. You wouldn’t be able to move your arm even if you tried, his pure strength sinking low into your gut. It hurt, how tight he held you, and it did nothing but please your darkest desires._ _

__With his other hand he removed the glass from yours. “Oh, darlin’. ‘Course I know what you mean.” He knocked back your drink in a fluid motion._ _

__He dropped your wrist as quickly as he grabbed it in the first place and moved to walk away. No, no, no, you didn’t want him to get away this time. You wanted him to stay, you _needed_ Joel to do something other than tease you and leave you questioning what had just happened like you always did. So you reached out and caught the sleeve of his jacket, uttering out one word._ _

__“Please.”_ _

__Joel turned back to you, ready to say something-_ _

__Dina and Ellie came bounding up to the pair of you, full of energy and unaware to having interrupted anything. Their talking (mostly Dina’s) felt far away as you mourned the loss of whatever had just happened between you and Joel. The connection between you two seemed to snap like a thread and the space in the middle was like an opened rift. Looking to him, something didn’t seem right. He glanced from you to Ellie and you knew what his eyes were saying._ _

__It wasn’t right. You and him. It was inherently wrong. And with Ellie standing there, he hated himself in the exact way you did._ _

__“Ellie, Dina? I’m gonna call it a night. Drank too much.” You could hardly hear yourself speak. Everything had come out and left in a moment. Cat had found out your secret and it seemed, from the outside, that if Joel’s guilt over feeling any certain way over you was the same as your own, nothing would ever transpire between you two._ _

__You didn’t hear what Dina said as you turned to Joel. “Goodnight, Joel.”_ _

__You felt his eyes on your back as you left._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YALL. I pumped out this chapter in CELEBRATION of PEDRO MFING PASCAL BEING CAST AS JOEL IN THE TLOU SHOW. Literally I cannot tell you how incredibly happy it makes me because literally I've BEEN in love with Pedro and I've thought for so long that Pedro would lowkey make the perfect Joel. Now I'm like NFNFFFFHAAYGYHAAAA??????? Because it's REALITY???? It's INSANE EEEK.
> 
> ANYWAYS this is the chapter idea that I had that I literally built the story off of! I've been SO excited to write this one! I loved the dance scene in tlou 2 and could really picture the scene in the fic playing out along the same lines! We've reached a sort of peak with this chapter so BE PREPARED dear readers because you're in for a TREAT.
> 
> I'm literally on cloud 9 currently because of the Pedro casting I literally feel ALIVE for the first time in so long. If anyone wants to come chat with me on twitter, please do so!
> 
> twt: @ughgukkies


	8. confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW 
> 
> Reader has a minor panic attack after Tommy leaves her house. Very small part, only a few sentences describing it!

You didn’t make it to patrol the next day. Neither the day after, or even the week after. You didn’t answer your door when your friends knocked, but kept your blinds halfway up so they could see that you were at least _alive_. You knew Dina, Jesse, and Ellie had been around. They called to you through your door. But you couldn’t find it in yourself to go outside to face Cat, and certainly not Joel. In all honesty, you were nothing but scared to face the new reality that you had mistakenly built for yourself. Cat knew you were a liar and it made you feel sick to your stomach, guilty over breaking her trust and even worse knowing that she knew the truth. So you laid in your bed and let the days roll over you in sickening waves. The time in your head brought you back to the sounds of the bubbling brook and a knife cutting through dry wood ever so carefully. And this brought you back to Joel, thinking of the carvings sat in his house and the way his steady gaze rolled over you.

You were stuck in a never ending loop of regret, loss, and guilt. You knew that the break was inevitable, everything having run throughout your entire being since before you were in Jackson being mixed with what you were carrying with Joel.

You could still hardly believe Cat knew.

It wasn’t until days into your slump that you finally decided to answer the door when someone pounded on it. You even felt terrible for feeling terrible because you were avoiding all your duties. You hated feeling useless.

You squinted when you opened your door enough to show half of yourself, sunlight hitting your bloodshot eyes painfully. It took a moment for your eyes to focus on the figure in front of you, vision clearing and showing a rather disappointed and worried looking Tommy standing there.

“Could I come in?” He asked, brow furrowing when he took in your appearance. You had only caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror over the past few days. You could only imagine how dark the circles under your eyes were.

You nodded in response, eyes downcast as you let him in and closed the door behind you. You sat down on your bed and he placed a dish down on the table you had at the side of your room. “Maria wants to make sure you’re eating.”

You nodded again. “That’s kind.” Your voice came out quieter then you wanted it to. It was like you could feel the waves of despair coming off you and moving to Tommy. Tommy had no clue what you felt for his _brother_. You felt sick.

He cleared his throat as silence fell over both of you. “Everyone’s missin’ you out there, y’know. If you need anything, or if Maria and I can help you get back on your feet, we’re here.“

You chewed on your bottom lip anxiously, hands in fists on your legs. You knew you were letting people down, causing extra work for some and causing extra worry for others. “T-Thanks, Tommy.”

Tommy sat down on the edge of your bed. “Listen. I ain’t got half a mind to know what’s going on with you, but I can tell you’re in your own head. Being alone ain’t good for no one.” 

You held your tears back and tried to swallow the lump in your throat. You didn’t want to cry in front of Tommy. Or anyone for that matter. “I know.” You whispered.

“Can you promise me somethin’?” He then asked, finally able to draw your eyes to him. You knew you looked seconds away from crying yet you willed yourself not to. You shrugged. “Come out in a couple days. Maria’ll give you work that ain’t patrolling. And don’t worry bout that neither. I took over with Joel.”

That one stung like a slap to the face. You were letting Joel down too. Especially after he had told Jesse he wanted to patrol with _you_. But at least he was with Tommy. You nodded once more.

“Y’gotta give me more than that.” Tommy said sternly, in a way he didn’t normally speak to you. His gaze felt like a weight on your body.

“Okay. I promise.” You managed to push out the sentence from your throat wearily, offering a tiny smile to Tommy.

“That’s my girl.” He said with a pat on your head, standing and heading to the door to leave. Your shoulders came up to your neck at the human contact. “Make sure you eat, yeah?”

“I will.” You replied, watching the door close behind him, leaving your room in silence once again. It was too loud. 

You went to sleep.

Your dreams were nothing but nightmares of the past you constantly shook away from your mind. You were back at the stream, but the birds no longer chirped and instead cried out in longing echoes. _He_ was sat where you remembered, whittling away at a piece of wood, but his body jerked in small, sudden movements. The sky was overcast, the colour of dread. The taste of blood was in your mouth.

His eyes met yours and they were bloodshot, piercing straight through you like a bullet. “You’re gonna grow up without me.”

You awoke and to blinding light, sitting straight up with your heart beating through your chest at a thousand miles an hour, shirt drenched in a cold sweat as your hands reached out to grasp anything, landing on your sheets. You heaved out loud breaths, squeezing your eyes shut as you struggled to control your breathing.

“Woah, woah. You’re okay.” 

You didn’t know who came in and was talking to you. The voice was familiar, but sounded distant. You felt a hand rest on your back.

“It’s Dina. I’m here. Try your best to take deep breaths. You’re safe.” Your head spun as you calmed yourself down. It wasn’t the first time this happened and it wasn’t going to be the last.

Dina sat with you as your heart settled in your chest, and you got up to wash your face with cold water, slightly shaking but over the initial panic instilled by your dream. Walking out of your washroom with a clean shirt on, Dina patted the bed for you to come and sit again. She had opened your blinds, sunlight spilling into your room and causing you to notice the dust that floated around gently.

“I’m sorry.” You sighed as you sat down, bed firm underneath you. “How did you get in here?” 

“Don’t apologize, we’ve all been there before. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. And to answer your question, the door was unlocked. I came over and heard you calling out through it.” Dina explained, offering a sympathetic smile. “Sorry for barging in.”

“It’s okay. It’s about time I talk to one of you again.” You admitted, letting out another shaky breath. You felt remarkably better just by having Dina around you.

“Can I ask what’s going on with you?” Dina put a hand on yours, squeezing slightly.

You looked over to the table where Tommy had put the food from Maria. “I’m just- I don’t know. Cat and I are fighting, I guess, and… Other things. Just too much at once.”

Dina nodded for a moment. “Okay. You eat, and then let’s go find Maria.”

“Now?” You looked to Dina in surprise, not expecting to be herded off so quickly. 

“Yes. You need to get out of here. And besides, Maria has something fun for us to do.” Dina got up and opened the container of food before shuffling over to your little kitchen to find a fork.

Before you knew it you were showered and had food in your stomach for the first time in days, bundled up for the cold outside as Dina gently led you out the door. You felt small and meek, but your mind felt quieter for the first time in days. Your worry over Joel wasn’t necessary immediately. Dina was okay with the fact that you didn’t want to talk about your issues much. You two made your way through the town, moderately quiet for late afternoon as everyone was off doing their respective tasks.

“We’re going to their house?” You asked once you recognized the route to Maria and Tommy’s.

“Mhm. And don’t ask why. It’s a surprise.” She looked at you with a mischievous smile on her face. You stared back at her with wide eyes.

Making it to their house, Dina knocked firmly on the door with a gloved fist, and you shifted anxiously from one foot to the other. Maria opened the door, neutral face smiling as she laid her eyes on you. “Come in!”

You and Dina didn’t hesitate to step inside out of the cold, and Maria put a finger to her lips and beckoned the pair of you to step around to the living room. There was a cardboard box lined with blankets off to the side, and inside it you saw _puppies_.

You gasped in surprise. “Are those Buckley’s?”

Maria nodded, tilting her head towards the box. “This is the job I have for you. Come by everyday and take care of the pups for a while, at least until Rose’s leg injury heals up.”

“Really? I feel bad-“ You clasped your hands together, but were cut off by Maria.

“We need someone to do it, and I picked you.” By Maria’s tone of voice, she meant business. 

You opened your mouth to protest once more but decided against it as she gave you _the look_. 

“You’re good here, Y/N?” Dina asked. “I’ve gotta head out.”

“O-Of course. Thank you, Dina.” You meant your thanks, and Dina understood, heading out and leaving you with Maria and the puppies.

You finally reached into the box to lift a tiny black one out, it yelping until you held it close to your chest, petting its tiny head with one finger. You stayed there awhile, focused only on the puppies and how tiny everything about them was. Maria sat in the living room, journal opened in front of her doing what you imagined was something relating to town supplies. She was always working hard.

With your mind drawn to Maria for a moment, you started to feel the buildup of emotion in you again. Not knowing how to face Joel, or Cat, or Ellie. You didn’t want to hold everything in you, especially when it had led to your trauma leaking into your dreams. You had been _better_ since you came to Jackson, and you didn’t want to regress to the state you had been in when you first arrived.

“Maria? Can I have your advice on something?” You looked up to her, across the room on a chair as you were sat on the ground with the puppies.

“Of course.” She put down her journal, attention on you. There was no demand from her, she hadn’t asked you what was wrong, and was simply ready to listen. 

“There’s someone I like,” You softly petted one of the puppies. Maybe she’d know who you were talking about, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care right now. You trusted Maria and she’d always done so much for you. “That I know I shouldn’t. But I- I’ve been lying to my friends about it and I don’t know what to do.”

A small smile grew on Maria’s face, her eyes sparkling slightly, and you knew it was the look of someone who was happily reminiscing. She sighed lightly and crossed her legs, hands resting on her knee as she thought. “How long have you liked this person for?” 

It was a simple question and you knew she was just trying to get a sense for your situation. “Um, since I came here.”

She hummed in thought. “That’s a long time to keep it to yourself. Are you ready to let your friends know?”

You shrugged. “I don’t know. But I don’t want to keep lying to them.”

Maria got up from her seat and crouched down across from you, reaching into the box and picking up a puppy. “There’s nothing you can do other than own your truth, Y/N. It’s up to you to make things better. That might not be what you want to hear, but it’s the best advice I can give you.”

You put the puppy back into the box. She was right, it wasn’t what you wanted to hear. But there was no easy out to the situation that you dug yourself into. “I feel like an idiot.” You truthfully stated, halfway between a pained smile and a pout.

“You can’t control everything all the time, especially not your feelings. Don’t beat yourself up too much. Your friends care about you _very_ much.” Maria put the puppy she was holding back too. “Do you want to stay here tonight?”

“Oh! No, that’s okay. I’m alright at my place. Thank you, though.” You smiled, it being an effort but one that you thought you needed to give Maria. 

“Of course. And not that you don’t already know it, but everyone’s grateful to have you around Jackson. Who you like won’t change that, not ever.” Maria was sincere, looking into your eyes, hers full of truth that seemed to shine outwards.

But you were a doubter. “You’d be surprised. But, thank you. That means a lot.” You broke eye contact and looked back at the puppies. Would she really not think any different of you if she knew it was Joel who you’d been hung up on for so long? 

“Nothing surprises me anymore.” Maria laughed, standing up from her spot on the floor and stretching. “C’mon, I’ll make you some tea before you head back.”

Two cups of tea and a snack later, Maria let you out of her house when you promised you’d be back the next day to take care of the puppies. You felt a weight off your shoulders as you walked back home with the sun setting behind the mountains. You had finally truly told someone, albeit a sliver of the situation, of Joel and your friends. It was a tiny step, but you knew it was in the right direction. 

Coming back to your shed and closing the door behind you felt a little anticlimactic, as despite the heaviness of your problems gone, you still felt the creeping guilt and anxiety that remained festering in your mind. You decided to strip the sheets off your bed and put on clean ones, hoping to get a better nights sleep under clean covers. You had just barely finished when there was a knock on your door. Emotionally, you didn’t want to deal with anyone right now, your heart begging for rest from not only your mind but from everything around you.

You sighed and moped over to the door, opening it and seeing Joel.

_Joel!_

You wanted to cry and jump for joy at the same time. “O-Oh! Hi! What are you- what are you doing here?” 

He was wearing his brown jacket and it was dusted in a few snowflakes. It had clearly started snowing between the time you walked from Maria and Tommy’s house to yours. 

“Mind if I step in outta the cold a minute?” The warm glow of the lamp in your shed casted over his features so… _Prettily_.

“Of course!” You closed the door behind him as he stepped inside, his eyes scanning across your room for a brief couple seconds.

Joel cleared his throat before talking. “Well, I ain’t seen you in a while, and Ellie told me your birthday was comin’ up, so I wanted to bring you somethin’ I think you’ll like.”

You blinked twice. You didn’t even realize your birthday was soon. Come to think of it, you actually didn’t even know what day it was. But Joel brought his hands in front of him, holding out something you were endeared and surprised to see.

It was the horse and cowboy carving that you had stared ever so lovingly at a few months prior in his house. You remembered it was unfinished at the time, and Joel had caught you with it in your hands. Your breath caught in your throat as you reached out and took it from him, running your fingers over its now completely smooth surface. The wood had a life of its own under your touch, a vibrant energy of the link between your past and your present, maybe even your future, _Joel_.

“You didn’t have to.” You spoke in a hushed tone, looking to Joel with the most grateful yet shy smile that had ever graced your face.

“I wanted to.” His voice was low, quiet and rumbling in the silence of the room. You hoped you weren’t imagining the strained atmosphere. You placed the carving on your table, leaning against it with your hands resting on the edge, facing Joel.

“Thank you. It means a lot.” You filled in the silence, feeling strangely steadier than you had for the past few weeks. Thinking back to Maria’s words and the way the horrid buildup inside you was making you feel, you knew something had to happen with Joel _now_. He had to be here now, giving you a gift, for some reason. In your delusional, perfect, world, he felt the same about you, and you in a desperate haze from touching darkness and being cared for, felt like now was the time to tell him.

“I’ll leave you be now. Glad you like it.” Joel said, ready to open your door and disappear, the way you both always did to one another after moments like this.

You nearly leaped up from the table. “W-wait!” He turned his full attention to you rather than the door, waiting for you to go on. It took everything in you to get the next sentence out. “This unspoken… thing, between us-“

Joel cut you off immediately, eyes darkening in a mere second. It was a look reserved for a survivor. “I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.” 

You were scared. Everything about his demeanour had switched, and if you stopped talking here, that’s as far as it would go-

You weren’t going to let this slip out of your hands. You promised _him_ you were going to live if he couldn’t. “When I cleaned you wound, w-when we talked on your porch, when we drank coffee together, when we danced, do I have to say more?” It overflowed and spilled out of you like an infection dusting the air. 

He said nothing. Absolutely nothing, as if daring you to continue. His silence was terrifyingly unnerving, your brain now running loops in your head. What if you imagined everything between the two of you?

“You’re,” You swallowed down every thread that kept your mouth closed from the truth. “You’re the only one my eyes have been on… and I know, I know it’s not right but I-I want you.” Lips parted, cheeks warm with embarrassment, fingertips dipping through sin but coming to the surface with _truth_. Fidgeting, moving on the spot, you felt the familiar fear that came with your life being in danger. If he shut you down you didn’t know what you’d do. You wished that snow would make noise when it fell outside, as all you could hear was the thumping of your heart.

Joel was shaking his head, eyes still glued to yours as he uttered out heart shattering words. “You’re just a kid. You don’t know what you want.”

You felt the crack in your heart sever in two. You didn’t want this to be how he saw you, it couldn’t be. “Joel.” You gasped out, feeling tears brimming, eyelashes damp when you blinked.

“Don’t talk like that.” His voice came out strained, and for once, his eyes broke from yours and he seemed to be unable to look at you.

“Please, Joel, I want to be with you. I want to know you, I want you.” Your mental state, your need for Joel, your need to be wanted and forgiven and seen by someone experienced and older and kinder, your need for what you lost and missed were all being thrown at the man. You were desperate, tired of pretending to be someone you weren’t, tired of holding back.

He let you stand there with your chest heaving and face burning from your forehead all the way down to your neck, emotion blatant through even the way you stood with your hands balled into fists at your sides. 

“It ain’t right.” He looked down on you.

You closed your eyes and took a steadying breath, waiting a moment before you replied, “It doesn’t have to be.” He was still standing there, eyes back on you, and you had never felt so small in front of another person before. Was he going to leave? If he was saying these things, why wasn’t he leaving? 

You took a step closer to him, having to tilt your head upwards to look him in the eyes. “Tell me it hasn’t all been in my head.” You studied his face now, the wrinkles on his forehead and the corners of his eyes, the greying of his beard and furrow of his brow. “Don’t you want me too?”

A low sound escaped his chest as your shaking hands reached up to fiddle with the sides of his open jacket. “Y/N.” His voice served as a warning, but you weren’t going to stop.

“I told you the truth.” You further enclosed the space, able to feel the warmth emanating from him. “Tell me yours.”

The controlled man in Joel was on the cusp of breaking, the fire between you two blazing blindingly. He was holding back, you knew it. 

He finally spoke. “I knew.”

Your hands stopped moving. He didn’t need to fill in any blanks. He already knew how you felt.

“Always. And against my better judgment,” You held your breath as he continued, “I feel the same.”

You gripped his jacket in your hands, knuckles white as you held yourself back from touching him. You didn’t even realize you were crying until his hand made contact with your face, fingers curling around the back of your head and his thumb gently brushing one away.

“Such a pretty little thing, ain’t you?” He cooed as you melted into his touch, eyes fluttering. He ran his thumb down to your lips, stroking over them with a tender movement. “If I do this, what kinda man does that make me?”

“Still the best one I know.” You answered honestly, eyes wide and shining as you looked up at him. He needed to be out of his head, and so you moved, for the first time, to close all the space between yourself and Joel.

Your lips met his desperately, and you noticed two things. One, being that his beard was softer than you imagined, and two, that he might be able to tell that you had never kissed anyone before. 

You were thinking too much. His hand cupped the side of your face as he kissed you back with vigour, tasting like coffee and completeness. And when you parted your lips and felt the heat of his tongue against yours, a whine slipped out of your throat. He chuckled into the kiss, and you could feel his smile against your mouth. You pressed your body as close as it could get to him, and when his back hit the door behind him and his thigh slipped between your legs, he gently pulled you off him.

“I’ve already stayed too long.” His remained stroking the side of your cheek, and you reached up and cradled his hand with both of yours. 

“You’re leaving?” You _really_ didn’t want to see him walk away from you, especially not now. 

“Ellie’s expecting me back.” The sentence that came from Joel didn’t seem to sit right with you or himself. He removed his hand from you, and you missed it a mere second later.

“O-okay.” Your heart still beat quickly in your chest, head spinning from the confession and kiss he had graced you with. “Thank you, again. For the gift, I mean.” You didn’t know if it was possible to feel more embarrassed than you already were.

“You’re welcome, sweetheart.” He took one final glance at you before leaving into the night air, snow falling gently as you closed the door behind him.

You rested your back against the door and slowly slid down to the floor. “Holy shit.” You said, reaching up and touching your lips. You could hardly believe what just happened. There was no way you were sleeping tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u ask I deliver. Hope you enjoyed this chapter! I was thinking of splitting it into two separate chapters but decided that would be too cruel HAHA. The plot THICKENS


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